Unwanted

My (few but) lovely readers!

It's been a long time since I wrote, and I'm more than aware of that! A lot of you probably already know a lot of what I've been doing, but I really do still want to keep up my blog. I'll get to that a little later though. First I'll give you the most recent and biggest news.

One of the hardest things to face in life is rejection.

Being told you're not wanted anymore.

This is a totally normal part of life. It happens every day.

But when you're 16,000km from home, family and friends, and the people your relying on to somewhat replace them, tell you that it's simply not working and they don't want you anymore... It means something completely different.

Especially when you then have to spend the next 8 hours or so driving "home" across Europe in what is bound to be terribly awkward silence/pretending to sleep.

This was something I wrote in a draft for a blog post on Monday the 15th August.

Let me give a small explanation. My wonderful brother Tim finally came to Austria at the very beginning of July - and the Summer holidays! We had a wonderful and interesting two weeks together, and it really made me realise how much I've learnt and changed over here, and how much stronger I've become. His girlfriend Anna then joined us for a few days, which were spent wonderfully and amusingly together in Vienna. I might elaborate on that some other time. The rest of the holidays I mostly spent in Germany travelling with the two of them to relatives and friends - most of whom I had never met. I was really lucky to be able to travel and see them (something the organisation normally doesn't allow) and I'm so happy I got to learn more about my past! All up we spent around three weeks travelling - in Seligenstadt (near Frankfurt, where we also spent a day), Dresden, and then a few days in Berlin. I adore Germany and am so proud to be a part of the country. 

We departed our ways, Tim flying to London for his Topdeck tour and Anna to Brussels to (again) reunite with her friends. After spending a few more days in Dresden, I travelled back up to Magdeburg to stay with my host grandparents and family for a few days. By the end of such a crazy month and a half of holidays, I was ready to get back to Vienna, my home, and have a few weeks of silence before school started. However, on that Monday (15th), the day I came back from Germany with my host parents, my host mum told me that they weren’t willing to host me anymore. To be totally honest, it was an immense surprise. There had been a number of problems throughout my time staying here - misunderstandings and things I will elaborate on momentarily, and a couple of bigger things.

So that's where that first paragraph comes in. Nine (host mum) could definitely have chosen better timing - but! Such is life.

So, I was very distressed and felt very unsupported. My counsellor in the organisation (who didn't do anything in the first place) had left the country, so I had no one to ring, and couldn't ring the office because it was a public holiday.  8 hours in a car. Not fun.

Over the next week, the exchange organisation and I spoke with my host family, who decided they were actually willing to continue hosting me, but on numerous conditions (which were mostly pretty reasonable).

I had a decision to make. What would I do? Stay with this host family after all, after being battered with all the things I'd done wrong? Go to yet another new family and start all over again, just for another couple of months - by the end of which I would have only just gotten comfortable - and then have to leave anyway? Or should I go straight home? Should I travel around a little? Should I move to Germany with my sister's old host family? Should I get I job somewhere here?

To be honest I was totally exhausted. It was a huge and horrible decision to have to make and at points I just wanted to put a hose in my ear and wash out all the thoughts. After talking with numerous family members (host and real), the organisation, and a couple of friends, I decided to go off program and come home in a couple of weeks. There are many many reasons, but the funny thing is, I'm not even that homesick anymore. Yes I miss home, but I know that I could stay here and manage. I really love my host family here A LOT, but I think it's just too hard for them to host a student anymore, and they have enough troubles of there own - as do I. Every hour I changed my mind. I don't know that I can go into many more details here though. I knew that whichever option I decided to chose, I would probably regret at some point because that's just the person I am, and I have far too many thoughts.

All I really wanted was to be happy again, because it's been such a tough year so far, but also an unbelievably AMAZING one. I have learnt more than I ever thought possible and I feel inspired and in awe with the world (once more :P )

I've had a lot of feelings and emotions this year. I've been through a lot, but I've learnt so much. In some ways I am ashamed of myself, because I had thought I would do so much "better", but I need to be proud of the things I've done. One of the things my host mum said was "You can't change the past, but you can use it to change the future." It was so much of a surprise coming here to Austria, which felt kind of strange because I'd been planning to come for so long. Since my sister Claire went on exchange 4 years ago, I knew that was what I wanted to do but I'd slowly built up expectations which I hadn't even realised were there. I've changed a lot since the first time I even THOUGHT about going on exchange, and I think had I gone a few years earlier it may have gone more smoothly, but I don't think I would have learnt as much.

One of the things that Nine mentioned I had a problem with, was that I was like a shadow, trying not to get in anyone's way. I can see exactly where she's coming from now, because a lot of the time, that's really what I was. I said that I'd never thought of myself, I'd never BEEN, that person before I came here, and I was sure she'd seen glimpses of the "normal me" (which she agreed she had). I just had so much trouble trying to live two lives and try and satisfy basically everyone but myself that I forgot to BE myself. It was hard to try and be "the real me" when I felt that everything that I comprised of I'd left on the other side of the world. I know that this really isn't the case, and in some ways I'm disappointed in the way that things turned out - that I haven't "finished" my exchange year and that I could have done so much "better". It was nothing at all as to what I expected. But I have to say - I think it was so much better. Geez it was harder than a diamond, but I think it was one in itself.

Yesterday I had a really long conversation with Nine (as in - about 4 hours). I gave her some of myself which I just felt like I haven't given before now, and had I been willing to earlier, than maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way (but I think it needed to). We talked about lots of things - I was the one mostly talking (about myself) - about every aspect of my exchange, about how I felt, about coming here, about expectations and disappointments and my way to reacting to everything, about my childhood and my different states of mind that I put myself into (i.e. DON'T BE SELF-PITYFUL - there are a lot of people who love me, and I know it. And also caring too much about what others think), and where that all originates from. It was really interesting and enjoyable, and I'm so happy that I'll be able to leave on a positive note.
 

I'm sure you guys'll understand. I know that my decision might be a surprise to some and not at all to others, but I just want to say:

Instead of looking back and wishing I could go back in time to be back with my host families, I want to find a different way for them to fit in with my life now, and in the future. The eight months I've spent here have been amazing. It was nothing I expected it to be, and everything I needed it to be. I know a lot of exchange students who have said they would go back and relive it all if they just had the chance - that it's the hardest thing ever to leave again. It's hard admitting through so much... pressure in a way - to have a good time and love every minute - to say that it wasn't always the best and I am looking forward to going home. I've done amazing things, met amazing people and - there was a great quote I found earlier in the year, which is:

I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. - James Baldwin

And I believe it's true. But just because I'm going home doesn't mean I'm finished. I’m going to use everything about this year to help me to continue growing and changing as a person. Austria and Germany will always a part of me. It's in my blood! Being an exchange student is an amazing thing. But if you’ve followed my blog throughout this year, you know it’s not always easy. I have been challenged, angry, hurt, annoyed, in so many situations. But I can safely say, it’s a million percent worth it. 

I still want to share the experiences I had here with you. So maybe someday soon I'll come back here and tell you some stories. But for now, I'm so excited about what the future will bring.

Tim, Anna and I in Frankfurt

Anna, Tim and I in front of the Berlin Wall. Amazing. It will happen again some day.

School 2 - BORG Straßwalchen

My month living in Salzburg was very very very long. My whole experience there is a mystery to basically everyone, including myself sometimes, because I was so miserable I didn't write in my diary for 2 weeks! But that's not what I'm here to write about just now. Onto school number 2!

By the end of my stay, school was the best thing while I was living in Salzburg. I think there's always a place for exchange students (at least at some point) which is so much better than anywhere else. A place where they feel a bit more comfortable than anywhere else and they can escape there - something to look forward to and that was kind of school for me. Even though it still wasn't amazingly great and pretty difficult, it was a way in which to be distracted from brooding in my own thoughts and as I mentioned in my last school post, an easy way to meet people.

So there I was, living in my little village Henndorf am Wallersee. The city of Salzburg is about 15km south and the town of Straßwalchen is about 11km north, which is where I went to school for the month or so I was living there. Getting myself out of bed every morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Because every morning I had to wake up between 5:30-5:45am to get ready for school. Horrible. Now, I never really considered myself a 'morning' or 'night' person, but by being here I've come to realise I'm definitely more of a night person. I used to adore mornings, especially getting up at sparrow's fart to go on some exciting adventure (i.e. band tours, school trips, balloon festival, travelling), but the thing is that wasn't EVERY DAY and I was generally in a wonderful mood! Anyway. Here I would drag myself out of bed, groggily cursing at the unfairness of it all but always managing to get ready in time to crunch my way through the snow in order to catch the bus at 6:30am. BECAUSE SCHOOL STARTED AT 7:30 (and finished at 1pm - MADNESS!), and the next bus was (supposedly) too late. Twas a long month. It was always dark (and note: I love and live for sun), it was always cold (see previous) and there was always someone smoking at the bus stop. But it wasn't all bad. I would appreciate the drive to school, listening to music, staring out the window into the strangely dark recesses of snow and fog. It was definitely a thing of beauty.

My afternoon bus stop

No photos of mystery and fog, but this was on my way home from school :)

My school was BORG Straßwalchen. BORG Straßwalchen is also a Gymnasium (Austrian/German Secondary College) and has two streams within it - arts and natural sciences. I was in the arts stream and was initially very excited about it because I thought "WOW an arts school in Austria must be super awesome!!" But it turned out just to be a pretty normal school which happened to have arts subjects. I have come to understand that all students in Austria have roughly the same curriculum, consisting of subjects such as Maths, German, History, Chemistry and English, but then depending on the stream in the Gymnasium they also have extra subjects. So in this case my normal classes were: Maths, English, Physics, Psychology, Philosophy, History, Chemistry, German, Geography and Sport, but also Music, Art and Latin in addition. Latin was definitely my favourite subject and I looked forward to it more than anything else. Gosh I'm such a nerd! But I will explain myself.

I have always been fascinated with languages, a love I caught from my mother! Learning German has been challenging, but I always find the similarities it and English amazing. English is a Germanic language, so really they are quite similar, and both of them have large parts derived from Latin. So by learning Latin I could see the similarities a lot more clearly and the history behind certain words! For example: "Servus" in Austria is a casual greeting to say "hello" or "goodbye" obviously depending which context you use it in. But "Servus" in Latin is the equivalent of the English "slave" or "servant". So essentially this greeting originated in Austria by people offering their services - "I am your servant". Just something I found really fascinating. Plus most people in Australia don't learn any Latin! The other classes were reasonable, but I generally kept to myself quite a bit and would just try my best to get through the day. My class was full of girls - with only four boys out of about 20 of us - and they were all really lovely and welcoming. They were interested in me straight away and wanted to include me in everything they did. I now realise how special that was, because it's often hard to find a group of people so willing to include you so quickly. And now I actually miss that school and the friends I made there!

Straßwalchen, nearing the end of Winter

MY SCHOOL! At the beginning, there was lots of snow around... But this was taken on my last day (end of Feb)

I have one last funny story. On the last day we were meant to have sport, instead of going to the gym, we went out as a class to breakfast. The sport classes were split into separate girls and boys classes which I found kind of strange, seeing as that stopped for me in year 8. We went to one of the local cafés - which was always really wonderfully yum! At this point, I still wasn't too great at German, but I was good enough to get the general jist of what was in the menu. I decided to order the "Lady's Breakfast" which consisted of toast with ham, cream cheese, salmon and a bit of capsicum and onion on the side, a hot chocolate (or coffee - but hot chocolates in Austria are heaven), a pastry and to my great surprise:

A glass of champagne...

Not one of my best photos, but you get the general idea!

 I was so unbelievably shocked because I was not expecting that AT ALL. And as far as I know, you don't get anything like that in Australia (at least not in my experiences...!). Everyone thought it was absolutely hilarious, and although I was a little taken aback and embarrassed at the time, looking back it's just one of those moments which makes you laugh! A wise friend here once told me that often the hardest and most horrible things to go through here are the ones you remember the most and look back in the greatest amusement. This is just an example of how sometimes language can really get the better of you!

And yes, I drank it :)

Re-Entry And Reflections

As I said in my last post, I spent last weekend at my 'half-way' seminar for exchange. I was thinking about writing a nitty-gritty re-cap of the whole weekend, but I decided that wouldn't necessarily be the best way to look over it and it probably wouldn't be all that enthralling for the majority of people reading it!

So I want to talk about the highlights and my feelings about it all and reflect over the weekend and the past few months I've been here.

Arriving at the station in Micheldorf, we were faced with a hike up the mountain to the beautiful castle Burg Altpernstein. It was a really cloudy day, but the castle floating in the clouds looked so romantic! It's a pretty strenuous walk but like last time it was beautiful, plus the hour gives us a wonderful chance to talk with the other students and see some of the country side.

An amazing sunset from the castle looking over the valley...

Our home for the weekend! Burg Altpernstein

A bit more of the castle

Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to meet the rest of the exchange students here in Austria from my organisation. It was wonderful to become friends with them and get to know each of them a little better, but also to strengthen the friendships I already had. The connection that exchange students have with each other is literally beyond words. I can't describe it. Thrown together from all corners of the world all speaking different languages, you have this ginormous part of your lives in common with each other. For me, the feeling of connection I have with some of these people is stronger than the connection I feel with some of the people back home, whom I have known for years. Being in this group, you know what is going through the hearts and minds of these people. You know the hardships, the joys, the huge mountains which feel like you'll never be able to slowly climb over. And they'll always be there to lend an ear, a shoulder, a hug. Some of these people I would probably have never had become friends with if we'd met in a "normal" situation. Sometimes they can be frustrating. Sometimes you want to hit your head against the wall from the things that they say or do. But other times it's like you have this magical connection. They know when words just aren't enough and you just need a hug. They know that if you want to do something, there's no point in being scared doing it, because the worst thing that can happen isn't actually of any consequence. Running down hills crazily. Talking to people in another language. Asking questions. Proudly acting like a kid. Living life to the fullest.

Awesome new friends!

Because that's what life (and Austria) is for!

One of my favourite things of the weekend was realising the power of language. I know I mentioned something like that briefly in my Croatia blog post, but it really hit so much more over this weekend. There were students represented from the following countries:

• Australia - 3
• America - 1
• Estonia - 2
• Finland - 2
• Mexico - 1
• Brazil - 1
• Moldova - 2
• Sweden - 1
• Japan - 2
• Switzerland - 1
• Belgium - 1
• Norway - 1
• Thailand - 1
• (And of course Austria) - Many!

And our one main language in common was (and is) German. For some reason everyone could speak English as well (seems like the whole world can - almost literally...) but the best way to communicate with each other was German. And what an amazing feeling. I now have friends who have come from all over the world, and being able to communicate with them through a language, which isn’t our own, is just unbelievable. The longer I am here the more I realise the immense power that language has on the world and communication, and the more excited I am about learning.

Because it was a re-entry seminar for the majority of the exchange students, that was the topic we focused on the whole weekend. Each day we were rotated into separate groups to talk, and complete different activities. We asked and answered questions, we wrote down thoughts and beliefs, we learnt how to keep going. In one of the first groups we each had to write down 10 things we want to take with us from this year in our imaginary suitcase. Then we got into pairs and had to narrow it down to 10 together, then 5, then 10 as a whole group. My 10 things were:

1. Language
2. Friendships
3. Independence
4. Positivity
5. Memories and Stories
6. Music
7. Confidence
8. Understanding
9. Patience
10. God

It was interesting to see the things other people came up with, and our final list consisted of Relationships, Culture, Language, Experiences and Self Development. In another group we had to draw a river of our year (although, only 5 months for us Aussies). Rocks were struggles, maybe there was a dam, maybe the rocks were bigger at some points and smaller at others. Maybe there was rain, but then came beautiful flowers, trees and like a fish in water, we would keep swimming. We compared ourselves with how we were at the beginning, to how we are now and how our attitudes and tastes have changed. It was things as simple as our favourite foods and drinks, way to dress, music, subjects, hobbies, down to how we interact with our family(/ies), who the people who most inspire us are, those who's opinions we value the most and our "life philosophy". And we learnt how to say thank you to all our families and friends, and places we have come to know. Of course I'm not saying goodbye quite yet, but it really opened my eyes as to what this year is all about, and how I can make the next however many months really work for me.

Words can't describe... One of the castle terraces.

A lot of the weekend wasn't spent in complete seriousness and we had quite a lot of free time together, which was so much fun. I had the strangest feeling at some points. I remembered what it was like to have friends. Before you scorn - read. A lot of you probably know that it's been difficult for me to make friends and that I often feel lonely. Well lately I've just come to accept that feeling and it's not as hard for me to be away from everyone and spend so much time on my own. But this weekend I was able to be myself, feeling like I didn't have to impress anyone - that I could be sad if I wanted, or as mad as a hatter. Admittedly I chose the latter, and I felt like myself for one of the first times this year. It was a nice feeling.

Another roaring sunset

Free time was spent talking, playing crazy 'drama' games - as well as chess, cards, table tennis and soccer, basketball (... the ball may or may not have been thrown over the cliff...), listening to music, playing guitar, singing, dancing, and on Friday I went for a wonderful walk with Molly in the woods. It was awesome to have someone with talk to about anything we wanted, and I think she's a really special person :) It was a BEAUTIFUL walk and the area is absolutely amazing. The woods are so beautiful, and we even stumbled across WILD STRAWBERRIES (they don't exist in Australia!), lots of snails, and a snake (but we don't know if it was actually a snake... that was just while we were poking round in the strawberries, so we left it alone). Awesome.

Just casually playing basketball in a castle courtyard

Hut in the woods; proudly adorned with an Austrian flag (aka a trail marker)

WILD STRAWBERRIES!!

I never thought I would have the chance to see something so beautiful.

"It's 2am here now. DEFINITELY sleep time. But I wish I could stay here with these people forever. I'm in a castle. In the middle of Austria. The moonlight's washing in through the windows and I can hear a bunch of the kids still downstairs screaming with laughter. Life is so beautiful."

Me on the terrace - long live living!

Storm's A-brewin'

Here I am in the middle of Austria with a beautiful Spring storm brewing. Every minute or so there comes a loud rumble of thunder. But half the sky's still blue.
I have lots of thoughts today. So many things to write about, so many dreams, aspirations, confusions. Yesterday I felt really sad. Today I feel really happy.

What's bothering me. Maybe "bothering" isn't the best word. Maybe it is.

Nonsense, I'm writing nonsense!!

It's been a beautiful Spring day. I rung my family this morning and spoke to various family members for about an hour. I rung them yesterday too, and cried to various family members for about an hour. My brain these last couple of days has been like this Spring weather. Gorgeously sunny one minute, storm a-brewin' the next.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. Like I can't go forward and I can't go back. It's like that little kid's game stuck in the mud. But there's no one there to come running after me to tap me free.

There are so many things I want to teach the kids here. But I just don't know how. I feel like I'm two and no one understands me. I'm talking in broken sentences, the words clamouring to get out, but they're all the wrong ones. I want to be able to teach my brothers cricket. I want to be able to explain to them that I found a pair of deer antlers in the woods the other day. I want to be able to dream with them. I want to be able to make up games with my little sister instead of just sitting there with her wondering what to say next to make her laugh.

I've become a lot more of a physical person here. If you can't tell someone how you feel, you learn to show them. Pointing, pictures, actions, and lots of laughing. I don't say all that much, but I try my best to make them laugh. When they laugh, I've achieved something. When they stop crying, I've achieved something.

I was playing soccer with Carl in the garden this afternoon (like so many before). I felt like myself again. I was pulling faces and dancing around and throwing my legs into the air and falling over and doing the splits and somersaults and generally acting like a clown. And he would laugh and laugh. And, and, and...


Brain Storm! My oh my there's so much in my head!

That Small Thing Called School

Judging by all my previous blog posts, it would appear that all I do here is whine, travel around and celebrate various occasions - and never actually go to school. But on the contrary, that is how most of my time is occupied and of course, I wouldn't be an exchange student without it! The main reason I AM an exchange student is to go to school and experience the life of an average teenager in Austria. Plus going to school gives me something to do every day - a way to get out the house, but most importantly provides me an easy environment to meet people my own age and to learn lots of German in a HUGE variety of subjects! So as I'm sure you're all able to guess, this is going to be a post about one of the biggest aspects of my life here.


Because I've moved around quite a bit, I am already at my third school within four months, and they haven't been easy transitions. I'll start with this.
I always wanted to be the new girl. You watch all these American movies or TV shows about the new girl going to high school. Sure, she may have some difficulties at first, but it's always exciting. She's interesting, no one knows where she came from, where she fits in. I always thought it would be an exciting adventure to be "the new girl" as they always make it out to be (yes, you may think I'm a little ridiculous). And I think in some ways it IS (and has been) exciting, but once again I may have had a few over-the-top expectations, and a few things that were not expected, or simply didn't exist:

•  I'm not going to an English-speaking school. In a lot of ways that makes me MORE interesting, but it also makes it REALLY hard to make friends. You're of interest to people for the first couple of days, maybe weeks, but then it becomes normal, they have better things to do than try and strike up conversations. YOU have to talk to people. And when you literally don't know how to talk to people, that gives you a great disadvantage.
  I thought I would be the same person when I came here. I would have called myself happy, positive, outgoing and friendly. Ready to talk to people if they wanted to, and ready to strike up a conversation. When I left I realised just how many people cared for me though, and started wondering why I was actually leaving. But then I remembered: I've watched exchange students before - being the centre of attention, supposedly so happy, surrounded by 'friends' - and I'm sure some of them were! But some of them were probably just crying inside wishing for their own friends, their own school, their own language. It's amazing how well some people can hide their emotions.
• Too much of a good thing. Being the new girl once was pretty exciting. Very daunting at the same time, but still exciting. Twice was pretty good because I knew more of what to expect, but it was really hard to do everything all over again. Three times was horrible. I knew I wouldn't make instantaneous friends, I'd already made friends in my last school and didn't want to leave them and the comfort I was just starting to find with them. It's not fun.
• I never realised just how much of an impact being a twin would make on my life. I was never the girl alone in the corner - I always had Tim. I never had to figure out how to make friends quickly - I always had Tim to wait with me until the time came. And it's simply a lot easier when EVERYONE'S new (i.e. Primary School [but as if that even counts] and High School). So I never really formed this survival technique of making friends for myself without the support of another. And that's been the hardest part for me.
  I've never spent so much time "on my own" before. I've never had to catch the bus home without knowing there was someone to share my day with somewhere. I've always had someone to laugh at teachers or fellow students with, to help with homework, to just be there. And that's a huge thing to be without so suddenly after 18 years, when I now need to speak German with everyone and when all of my family is on the other side of the world. I know that having to experience that all by yourself is just totally normal life for basically everyone else my age - and I am well aware that we wouldn't have spent the rest of our lives together, but that doesn't mean it's not hard!

This blog post could go on forever. But I'm going to end it there as an introduction, and do separate ones for each of my schools:

• School One: BG Ödenburger Straße
• School Two: BORG Straßwalchen
• School Three: BORG 20 Brigittenauer Gymnasium

Woooooooooooooooooooooo School!

Three Months of Thoughts

So it's been a little more than three months since I've been in Austria (101 days to be exact!) and it's been three months of thoughts. Tears, laughter, grief, ecstasy, excitement, confusion, depression. I've felt it all.

My whole life has changed. It's incredible to think how much can change in so little time. It's not just that I've moved to Vienna, but it's this whole stage of my life which is just a huge turning point. Even if I had stayed in Australia things would have been really different. Being here, I've often wondered to myself why I never heard more about people my age having these huge crises about finishing school, growing up, having to be responsible and make 'life decisions'. Surely I'm not the only one? No, I know I'm not the only one. Maybe it's just that you never think about it until you're really forced to face it for yourself. I don't know. It's that whole uncertainty of whether you're a kid or an adult, when really I feel like neither. Living away from home, doing this exchange, is kind of just like moving out. It's been confusing for me because my host siblings are so young, so I'm not a kid in that respect, but over here I've felt younger and more needy than I have in a very long time.

Anyway. It's been a difficult thing for me to realise that this life I've known and lived for the past 18 years - living with my family, going to school, seeing my friends every day, sharing that all with the same people - has in a way just all gone. Everyone said to me when I was worried about going on exchange and everything, worrying about things changing, that things will be the same when I get back. Nothing will have really changed. Canberra will still be the same old, boring place. I think in a lot of ways that's true and life will still go on, but the thing is I'VE changed. It's something I don't want to admit sometimes. And it's a scary thing. It's a scary thing to face each day with more new thoughts and realisations about the world - things that I would never have learnt other than by coming here. I have so much appreciation for all the things in my life. My incredible family - each and every one of them, my wonderful, dedicated friends, my amazing education. All the things I took so much for granted. And things I would NEVER, EVER think about. Being able to speak to people, talk to them and ask them anything I wanted. Knowing how to get to and from home everyday. Knowing my way around the city, who lived where, what was what. My whole view on everything in my life has changed.

Somedays I feel really impatient. I feel like I'm just in limbo, not really doing anything useful. Like I should be out saving the world, living the life. Going to uni or working or travelling. I get impatient because there are so many things to do and so little time. Then I feel impatient because there's too MUCH time and not enough to do. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be content, I'll never be happy with where I am or what I'm doing, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I stop trying then live in the moment, never wanting to do anything else and just loving my life as it is. And then I see something shiny in my thoughts and get distracted. It's funny - over here I've been told that I'm a very reflective person. People are impressed with some of the (rubbish) thoughts I come up with. And then I get told that I'm TOO reflective and that I'm thinking too much. I think this last part is definitely true. I spend the majority of my days thinking even when I'm doing other things. I guess I try and plan my life out in my head, constantly thinking up new scenarios of what might happen and when, and whether this or that is the right decision. And then I get frustrated when I just don't know the answer. I always thought life would be pretty clear, but it's not!

I guess this has been a bit of a rambling post. Sometimes you just need to get out all those thoughts from your head and wave them goodbye.

My Home Town is a Wedding

I've been getting quite a few questions lately about how I'm going with my new language and whether I'm fluent yet (HAH!), so I thought I'd do a post on it! A note to all those people: I think it is basically impossible to learn a language fluently in essentially two and a half months - especially without having any great amount of previous teaching.

For an exchange student, once you settle down into the general routine of life as it will be for the next however long - your new family, house, culture - the next big thing to actually LEARN is the language. I think considering all the ups and downs (particularly the downs) that I've been through the last few months, I'm doing quite a reasonable job. I'm no where NEAR fluent (like, really no where), but I'm starting to get to the point where I don't have to resort to English in heaps of situations, or ask everyone what on earth they're talking about. Of course, it still happens but I'm starting to feel like it's actually getting better. I've had a few brief very happy points this week though! On Tuesday my host Mum came upstairs and we had a decent conversation about how school was, the fact that the buses are stupid and I should just catch a later one to school, and that I needed to pick up Carl on Friday. Sure - it wasn't perfect German and I undoubtedly chose some of the wrong words - but speaking another language is essentially about communication (as a friend or two and my Mum have reminded me...) and that's what I'm doing. It's a nice feeling being able to sit at the dinner table and actually understand a little bit about what's going on.

Have a laugh.

We've all been there. Those amusing moments where you might be thinking of a particular word, then accidently let it slip out, even if you're talking about something completely different. Maybe you've just said a word that SOUNDS similar to the one you were thinking of - but has a completely different meaning... Well. To put it simply, this is SO much more likely to happen while you're learning another language. I just think it's hilarious though and often the people you're talking with will too! For example some time last week I was sitting at the dinner table with Carl, and we were naming absolutely anything that came into our heads. I ended up saying 'kuhschrank' instead of 'kühlschrank' - which translates to 'cow cupboard' instead of 'fridge' so it was no wonder Carl was laughing so much! It was pretty funny! Then there was the time where I had to explain that where Canberra is and that it's the capital city of Australia (this was a few weeks ago). I had heard the word before and was just grappling for anything I could remember, but ended up saying the word for 'wedding' (Hochzeit) instead of 'capital city' (Hauptstadt). Wonderful!

So speaking is hard. It's probably the hardest part (at least in German). For me I find that writing is pretty good, because German is written phonetically and so it's usually pretty easy to guess the correct spelling of a word (or to look things up in the dictionary!) But speaking is a whole new level of difficulty. It's amazing how much you can understand, but then to only respond with short answers gets really frustrating really quickly. There are so many emotions and feelings and opinions running through your head, which you simply just can't express. It can be as simple as going to the gelatissimo and wanting to order your ice-cream in a cup instead of a cone (I've learnt that now!). Then there are dialects. Don't get me started! I've grown up with my Mama, Oma and Opa speaking 'Hochdeutsch' (which is like the Queen's English), although never actually learnt any myself. With my ear accustomed to this, I then moved to Austria. The Viennese dialect is very, VERY different from anything spoken in Germany, and is either horribly grating or wonderfully lyrical - depending on whom you ask and/or where they're from! The family I live with are from Northeast Germany, and so have a reasonably 'clean' dialect, which is always nice to come home to, but I've also started to get used to the Viennese dialect. I couldn't say which I prefer - I love both. I think the way the Austrians talk is more fun though! 

To put another step into my learning process, in Salzburg the dialect was very different again. I found the dialect a lot 'stronger' and that they swing their words a lot more - I suppose kind of like the Scottish equivalent to English! It took at least 2 weeks there before I could understand even the most BASIC words on a regular basis. However hopefully this means I'll become more accustomed to understanding a wider variety of dialects. It's funny, because even the Austrians don't understand each other from one side of the country to the next! It will definitely be interesting to see what kind of German I end up speaking!

Ouch. Well That Hurts.

Three words: new neural pathways. It's proven that when you're younger (I'm talking around 5 years of age) it's a lot easier to learn a new language. Because I can't explain it in better words, here's a quote (yay!):

"Another reason it gets harder to learn a language as we get older is something called “neural commitment.” The idea here is that when our brain is first exposed to language, learning occurs by strengthening and weakening connections between neurons. With years of using our first language (or languages), these connections become more hard-wired and therefore harder to change later when learning a new language. Learning new languages essentially competes for some of those same neural pathways, and it’s hard to re-wire the pathways."

That's sourced from here. So basically, my brain is changing. Learning a new language is painful - literally and metaphorically. Being submersed in a new language day-in and day-out is a very difficult thing to deal with. There's no real escape and you just have to learn to cope. I am surrounded by so many new words a day, and it's impossible to remember them all. I feel stupid a lot of the time. I get headaches. I'm really tired. My brain is just simply working overtime. But the thing is, each new word I learn is one more I DON'T have to learn at another point. I'm picking up new words each day and remembering them. And that's a pretty good feeling!

Verstehst du?

One last point. Do you understand? No. But never mind. I swear I'm asked this question about 20 million times a day. People ask so many times if you understand, that you kind of get to the point where even if you have NO idea what they're talking about, you'll just say yes. Because even if someone tries to explain whatever they're talking about, it may very well just go in one ear and out the other. Something I learnt very quickly was, that at this stage I'll NEVER understand everything that someone says, so there's things you just have to let go. Understanding the main topic of conversation is the most important thing, and it just builds from there.

So that's my first post on language. I'm sure there'll be more some time, because I've always got more to talk about!

Two Months and Recipes

Indeed. Sourced from here :)

There is no recipe for exchange. No matter how hard I try, how much I look for one, or how many people I ask, I still have to ultimately make it all up for myself. I've been trying to face this difficulty - but that's exactly what it is at the moment: difficult. I would never have believed it possible to be in so many mind-sets all at once. In some ways, I can't believe 2 months of my exchange have already passed! 2 WHOLE MONTHS. It's crazy. In others though, they've been the longest two months of my life, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next however many. All these feelings spinning around: happy, sad, frustrated, depressed, elated. It's overwhelming!

This year is going to be a huge learning journey for me. I have already learnt so so much about myself, started asking myself ridiculously difficult questions, and have actually really been SEARCHING for an answer, instead of just letting them go. At the moment, I miss myself so much. These last few months have really been about finding myself, who I am, what I can cope with, why I'm here and what I'm doing with my life. Top this off with a new country, language, family (or few), plus old ones of each of these, and it's no wonder I'm exhausted! Finding yourself is a difficult task, which I think most people are never forced to face - or at least so brutally and so early on in life. I keep comparing myself to other exchange students, other people, and their experiences, wondering why I'm not the same, why I can't be like that. But that's the thing. I'm my own person. I need to have my own experiences, my own adventure, my own struggles.

Along my search for wisdom and advice, I came across this website, from which I take the following quote:

"We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing for the dip in the road that God can see.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain. 

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; but God's always ready to answer your call. 

He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips can calm every fear.

Your sorrows may linger throughout the night, but suddenly vanish, dawn early light.

The Saviour is waiting somewhere above, to give you His grace and send you His love. 

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

It is so true that people don't want to bear heavy cross. Everyone wants a smooth and less troublesome life but we do not know the deep purpose of everything why we must face challenges, failures, and fears. It is meant by God to prepare us for the future!"

Its little things like this that, piece by piece, make me that little bit calmer. Anything that doesn't kill me will just make me stronger. This post has taken a few days to actually get out into anything close to something that makes sense. A lot's been going on lately, but I'll tell you about that in another blog post within the next few days. I've had my on and off days, mostly off, but everything is slowly getting better. I find little bits of reassurance each day, which are gradually building.

I don't really feel like I have much else to write at the moment. I thought that I should commemorate the 2 months I've been here with a post, but I promise I will write more within the next few days, because I have so so much to catch up on!  Even though this may not be the typical exchange experience blog (trust me - I was expecting it to be more so too!), this is what my exchange is about at the moment, so that's what I'm writing about. Wishing everyone out there well!

Bussi!