Two Months and Recipes

Indeed. Sourced from here :)

There is no recipe for exchange. No matter how hard I try, how much I look for one, or how many people I ask, I still have to ultimately make it all up for myself. I've been trying to face this difficulty - but that's exactly what it is at the moment: difficult. I would never have believed it possible to be in so many mind-sets all at once. In some ways, I can't believe 2 months of my exchange have already passed! 2 WHOLE MONTHS. It's crazy. In others though, they've been the longest two months of my life, and I have no idea how I'm going to get through the next however many. All these feelings spinning around: happy, sad, frustrated, depressed, elated. It's overwhelming!

This year is going to be a huge learning journey for me. I have already learnt so so much about myself, started asking myself ridiculously difficult questions, and have actually really been SEARCHING for an answer, instead of just letting them go. At the moment, I miss myself so much. These last few months have really been about finding myself, who I am, what I can cope with, why I'm here and what I'm doing with my life. Top this off with a new country, language, family (or few), plus old ones of each of these, and it's no wonder I'm exhausted! Finding yourself is a difficult task, which I think most people are never forced to face - or at least so brutally and so early on in life. I keep comparing myself to other exchange students, other people, and their experiences, wondering why I'm not the same, why I can't be like that. But that's the thing. I'm my own person. I need to have my own experiences, my own adventure, my own struggles.

Along my search for wisdom and advice, I came across this website, from which I take the following quote:

"We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing for the dip in the road that God can see.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain, there will always be sunshine, after the rain. 

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall; but God's always ready to answer your call. 

He knows every heartache, sees every tear, a word from His lips can calm every fear.

Your sorrows may linger throughout the night, but suddenly vanish, dawn early light.

The Saviour is waiting somewhere above, to give you His grace and send you His love. 

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

It is so true that people don't want to bear heavy cross. Everyone wants a smooth and less troublesome life but we do not know the deep purpose of everything why we must face challenges, failures, and fears. It is meant by God to prepare us for the future!"

Its little things like this that, piece by piece, make me that little bit calmer. Anything that doesn't kill me will just make me stronger. This post has taken a few days to actually get out into anything close to something that makes sense. A lot's been going on lately, but I'll tell you about that in another blog post within the next few days. I've had my on and off days, mostly off, but everything is slowly getting better. I find little bits of reassurance each day, which are gradually building.

I don't really feel like I have much else to write at the moment. I thought that I should commemorate the 2 months I've been here with a post, but I promise I will write more within the next few days, because I have so so much to catch up on!  Even though this may not be the typical exchange experience blog (trust me - I was expecting it to be more so too!), this is what my exchange is about at the moment, so that's what I'm writing about. Wishing everyone out there well!

Bussi!

F.R.O.G.

I've been having a very interesting time of late. Well. Not interesting as such, but I have been doing a lot of thinking (far more than is healthy), and growing a lot as a person. There is no denying the growing, no matter how miserable it is making me. But growing can be a good thing. 

I'd really like to dedicate this blog post to God. Truly. Some of you may or may not know that I'm a Christian. I've never really lived up to this title, and for that I am ashamed, because being a Christian, I should be proud of my beliefs, religion and love for God. So really - this post won't have all that much to do with my exchange, but is more self-indulgent :) Feel free to read - or not! 

So, as most of you are probably aware, the last 2 weeks have been immensely difficult. My last post would have shown you just how much, but I only decided to post it along with a happier one, because otherwise everyone would be immensely worried. So here's to them: Don't be! It's been two weeks since I wrote that, and things are very slowly getting a little better. Some days I don't even cry at all! And seriously, I have been getting better. Since I came to Salzburg, I have started reading my bible and a book called Devotions for the Soul Surfer, by Bethany Hamilton. To cut a long story short - I should have done this long ago. The Bible is so full of wisdom and insight, and Devotions for the Soul Surfer is in a way even more so, because it is... 'translated' into a language that I really understand. I have learnt so much from reading these, and have calmed down a lot - also with the prayers and support of everyone back home. This is my favourite passage so far:

Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)    

 ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This passage is very similar (i.e. almost exactly the same) to Luke 12:22-34 but it was much of a muchness which I decided to put in here. So yes. I don't need to worry (even though I do. All the time.) and I should just leave all my worries to God. Which is where the title comes in really: I've needed to remind myself of this, so I've been writing F.R.O.G. on my hand - which stands for Fully Rely On God. It works :) 

Now, I know I've made religion the only topic of this post, but really I wanted to reassure people that I'm ok, even if I'm still desperately homesick. Life isn't all that bad, and I know that I'm an INCREDIBLY lucky girl and have had so many experiences and opportunities some can't even dream of. I promise I'll be writing more soon, and I'll try to keep it positive. 

To all my friends and family, and of course, God: Thank you so much for being here when I really need you the most. I have never felt so alone, or so loved, in my entire life. It means the world to have all your support, love and prayers, and you help me grow stronger each day. I know I couldn't do this without you. I have so much more to write about, but we'll leave that for another day. 

Peace out! 

One Month

So, it's been 4 WHOLE WEEKS today, since I left/arrived in Austria. And I can't decide if they've been the longest or shortest four weeks of my WHOLE ENTRIE LIFE. One thing's for sure, they have definitely been some of the elating and depressing weeks of my like. Example:

As we see here, I have a lovely diagram. And, to put it bluntly, I am in a very low phase. My honeymoon has finished, and I can't see how I can last this year. HOMESICKNESS AND CULTURE SHOCK. This is the worst feeling ever, and I have been doing a lot of research, trying to figure out ways to stop myself crying every single day.

First of all I would like to say that the first couple of weeks weren't all honeymoon either. As you (probably) all know, I lived in Vienna for the first 3 weeks of my exchange with a 'temporary' host family. It was completely different to anything I had ever experienced. I was suddenly thrown into this family, gaining 3 very young siblings, with no idea of how to deal with them, no idea of what I could and couldn't do, and no way of telling them that something was MINE and I didn't really want it in their mouth. I couldn't tell them to be careful, or that I was tired and didn't want to play football, and various things like this. Of course, it was also a very difficult first week due to my visit to hospital, having to start school later, and spend a lot of time at home. This way though, I got to know my family a lot faster and understand the general routines of the days. I did have trouble being patient at times - I was fine in front of the family most of the time, but would break down alone in my room. Lost, confused, tired, overwhelmed, and grieving for the family and friends I left behind.  I became very attached to my iPod, which my incredible friends gave me and I would not be able to live without -  because of the music, which has been helping heaps (especially from Alex - you rock!!). I was lucky that I could easily contact my family anytime via the internet. And you know what I realised? After ringing home on Wednesday the 12th, the next time I rang was only the NEXT Wednesday - a whole week later! So I settled in really quite quickly in a way (although it still took some time) and became comfortable.

On the 25th of January, I found out I would be moving host families. I wasn't really at all sure how I felt about this, and it was, and still is, a really difficult period. In some ways, I was so excited. I would be moving to Salzburg! That was perfect!! Salzburg was much more the Austria that I was wanting to experience! My new host family consists of an 18 year old girl - Steffi, 20 year old Sebastian, who has actually moved out with his girlfriend, and Eveline and Manfred, the mum and dad. I was kind of excited that I would be getting a new sister my age, but then at the same time so scared. I didn't know what any of the family would be like! I was so used to now living with these young kids in this routine which I had already learnt and understood, and I had actually started to enjoy myself! I was getting used to everything, and had started to understand more German, understand the area I was in, and understand all the possibilities that waited for me in Vienna! I had tentatively put down roots, giving myself a new family and home.

Then, I was pulled up by these roots and thrown a few hundred kilometres away and had to re-take my bearings. It's been really hard. I do quite like my new family, but have had some problems with them - communication issues, things I'm not used to, and just a HUGE change. Things I guess you wouldn't notice if you were just over at a friend's house - but it's all about the little things and family dynamics. The family dynamics are very different - having two adult siblings is an immense change to having three under 10. The area is beautiful, but I just can't appreciate it as much as I would like to, because I am so immensely unhappy. There are gorgeous little towns, alps, we have our own lake , I live close to some small shops - in Hagenbrunn the closest shops were another town over - but I just don’t feel right. I'm having culture shock all over again, and I actually miss my old family. 

So I'm at a loss of what to do. This fortnight has been the longest  of my life. I have cried every day. I am grieving for everything I left behind in Australia, especially my family. All I can think of is all the things I’ll be missing out on.  I’ll miss everyone’s birthdays, my own 18^TH with my beloved twin…  all kinds of things I took so much for granted. There are so many thoughts going around in my head which I don’t know how to deal with, so many possibilities and experiences waiting for me, which I just don’t know how to approach.

Everyone always tells you how worthwhile and brilliant exchange is, but no one ever says it will also be one of the (if not THE) hardest thing you will EVER do in your ENTIRE life.

So solutions: I have found many, many websites for exchange students – blogs, forums, question and advice sites, you name it. The best thing I’ve found so far is this I think.

I know I’m not alone, in so many ways. Being away will make being home so, so, so much sweeter and I will appreciate everything so much more than ever. I know I will always have my family and friends at home, and the things that I’m missing will repeat themselves, if not in a different way at a different time. As the above forum shows, the first month or so is often the WORST for many many exchange students.  In a way, I’m getting a far more ‘Austrian’ experience now because I am staying with an actual Austrian family, with a very strong (and difficult to understand) dialect, and have been doing Austrian things. I have had more ‘experiences’ (stereotypical ones at that) this week than I did in Vienna in some ways. I went to a [VERY smoky and loud] bar with Steffi and a couple of her friends, I had afternoon tea in a little alpine hut, then went tobogganing – which has all been fun. I know this overall exchange experience is what I make it.

In Vienna I felt more a part of the family. I could help. I could play with the kids. I was included in going to the supermarket. No, the family didn’t have as much time for me or as much flexibility because of the kids, but I realised I love family life - that kind of family life - and I miss it. I had a different kind of independence. However I LOVE the area I’m in at the moment – next to Salzburg, the scenery is amazing, school is better than in Vienna, there’s lots of opportunities….I guess I just need time to find connections and hopefully, eventually, feel less homesick.

(Please note - this was written on the 05/02/2011, but I only decided to post it now with something a little more positive.)