Three Months of Thoughts

So it's been a little more than three months since I've been in Austria (101 days to be exact!) and it's been three months of thoughts. Tears, laughter, grief, ecstasy, excitement, confusion, depression. I've felt it all.

My whole life has changed. It's incredible to think how much can change in so little time. It's not just that I've moved to Vienna, but it's this whole stage of my life which is just a huge turning point. Even if I had stayed in Australia things would have been really different. Being here, I've often wondered to myself why I never heard more about people my age having these huge crises about finishing school, growing up, having to be responsible and make 'life decisions'. Surely I'm not the only one? No, I know I'm not the only one. Maybe it's just that you never think about it until you're really forced to face it for yourself. I don't know. It's that whole uncertainty of whether you're a kid or an adult, when really I feel like neither. Living away from home, doing this exchange, is kind of just like moving out. It's been confusing for me because my host siblings are so young, so I'm not a kid in that respect, but over here I've felt younger and more needy than I have in a very long time.

Anyway. It's been a difficult thing for me to realise that this life I've known and lived for the past 18 years - living with my family, going to school, seeing my friends every day, sharing that all with the same people - has in a way just all gone. Everyone said to me when I was worried about going on exchange and everything, worrying about things changing, that things will be the same when I get back. Nothing will have really changed. Canberra will still be the same old, boring place. I think in a lot of ways that's true and life will still go on, but the thing is I'VE changed. It's something I don't want to admit sometimes. And it's a scary thing. It's a scary thing to face each day with more new thoughts and realisations about the world - things that I would never have learnt other than by coming here. I have so much appreciation for all the things in my life. My incredible family - each and every one of them, my wonderful, dedicated friends, my amazing education. All the things I took so much for granted. And things I would NEVER, EVER think about. Being able to speak to people, talk to them and ask them anything I wanted. Knowing how to get to and from home everyday. Knowing my way around the city, who lived where, what was what. My whole view on everything in my life has changed.

Somedays I feel really impatient. I feel like I'm just in limbo, not really doing anything useful. Like I should be out saving the world, living the life. Going to uni or working or travelling. I get impatient because there are so many things to do and so little time. Then I feel impatient because there's too MUCH time and not enough to do. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be content, I'll never be happy with where I am or what I'm doing, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I stop trying then live in the moment, never wanting to do anything else and just loving my life as it is. And then I see something shiny in my thoughts and get distracted. It's funny - over here I've been told that I'm a very reflective person. People are impressed with some of the (rubbish) thoughts I come up with. And then I get told that I'm TOO reflective and that I'm thinking too much. I think this last part is definitely true. I spend the majority of my days thinking even when I'm doing other things. I guess I try and plan my life out in my head, constantly thinking up new scenarios of what might happen and when, and whether this or that is the right decision. And then I get frustrated when I just don't know the answer. I always thought life would be pretty clear, but it's not!

I guess this has been a bit of a rambling post. Sometimes you just need to get out all those thoughts from your head and wave them goodbye.