Unwanted

My (few but) lovely readers!

It's been a long time since I wrote, and I'm more than aware of that! A lot of you probably already know a lot of what I've been doing, but I really do still want to keep up my blog. I'll get to that a little later though. First I'll give you the most recent and biggest news.

One of the hardest things to face in life is rejection.

Being told you're not wanted anymore.

This is a totally normal part of life. It happens every day.

But when you're 16,000km from home, family and friends, and the people your relying on to somewhat replace them, tell you that it's simply not working and they don't want you anymore... It means something completely different.

Especially when you then have to spend the next 8 hours or so driving "home" across Europe in what is bound to be terribly awkward silence/pretending to sleep.

This was something I wrote in a draft for a blog post on Monday the 15th August.

Let me give a small explanation. My wonderful brother Tim finally came to Austria at the very beginning of July - and the Summer holidays! We had a wonderful and interesting two weeks together, and it really made me realise how much I've learnt and changed over here, and how much stronger I've become. His girlfriend Anna then joined us for a few days, which were spent wonderfully and amusingly together in Vienna. I might elaborate on that some other time. The rest of the holidays I mostly spent in Germany travelling with the two of them to relatives and friends - most of whom I had never met. I was really lucky to be able to travel and see them (something the organisation normally doesn't allow) and I'm so happy I got to learn more about my past! All up we spent around three weeks travelling - in Seligenstadt (near Frankfurt, where we also spent a day), Dresden, and then a few days in Berlin. I adore Germany and am so proud to be a part of the country. 

We departed our ways, Tim flying to London for his Topdeck tour and Anna to Brussels to (again) reunite with her friends. After spending a few more days in Dresden, I travelled back up to Magdeburg to stay with my host grandparents and family for a few days. By the end of such a crazy month and a half of holidays, I was ready to get back to Vienna, my home, and have a few weeks of silence before school started. However, on that Monday (15th), the day I came back from Germany with my host parents, my host mum told me that they weren’t willing to host me anymore. To be totally honest, it was an immense surprise. There had been a number of problems throughout my time staying here - misunderstandings and things I will elaborate on momentarily, and a couple of bigger things.

So that's where that first paragraph comes in. Nine (host mum) could definitely have chosen better timing - but! Such is life.

So, I was very distressed and felt very unsupported. My counsellor in the organisation (who didn't do anything in the first place) had left the country, so I had no one to ring, and couldn't ring the office because it was a public holiday.  8 hours in a car. Not fun.

Over the next week, the exchange organisation and I spoke with my host family, who decided they were actually willing to continue hosting me, but on numerous conditions (which were mostly pretty reasonable).

I had a decision to make. What would I do? Stay with this host family after all, after being battered with all the things I'd done wrong? Go to yet another new family and start all over again, just for another couple of months - by the end of which I would have only just gotten comfortable - and then have to leave anyway? Or should I go straight home? Should I travel around a little? Should I move to Germany with my sister's old host family? Should I get I job somewhere here?

To be honest I was totally exhausted. It was a huge and horrible decision to have to make and at points I just wanted to put a hose in my ear and wash out all the thoughts. After talking with numerous family members (host and real), the organisation, and a couple of friends, I decided to go off program and come home in a couple of weeks. There are many many reasons, but the funny thing is, I'm not even that homesick anymore. Yes I miss home, but I know that I could stay here and manage. I really love my host family here A LOT, but I think it's just too hard for them to host a student anymore, and they have enough troubles of there own - as do I. Every hour I changed my mind. I don't know that I can go into many more details here though. I knew that whichever option I decided to chose, I would probably regret at some point because that's just the person I am, and I have far too many thoughts.

All I really wanted was to be happy again, because it's been such a tough year so far, but also an unbelievably AMAZING one. I have learnt more than I ever thought possible and I feel inspired and in awe with the world (once more :P )

I've had a lot of feelings and emotions this year. I've been through a lot, but I've learnt so much. In some ways I am ashamed of myself, because I had thought I would do so much "better", but I need to be proud of the things I've done. One of the things my host mum said was "You can't change the past, but you can use it to change the future." It was so much of a surprise coming here to Austria, which felt kind of strange because I'd been planning to come for so long. Since my sister Claire went on exchange 4 years ago, I knew that was what I wanted to do but I'd slowly built up expectations which I hadn't even realised were there. I've changed a lot since the first time I even THOUGHT about going on exchange, and I think had I gone a few years earlier it may have gone more smoothly, but I don't think I would have learnt as much.

One of the things that Nine mentioned I had a problem with, was that I was like a shadow, trying not to get in anyone's way. I can see exactly where she's coming from now, because a lot of the time, that's really what I was. I said that I'd never thought of myself, I'd never BEEN, that person before I came here, and I was sure she'd seen glimpses of the "normal me" (which she agreed she had). I just had so much trouble trying to live two lives and try and satisfy basically everyone but myself that I forgot to BE myself. It was hard to try and be "the real me" when I felt that everything that I comprised of I'd left on the other side of the world. I know that this really isn't the case, and in some ways I'm disappointed in the way that things turned out - that I haven't "finished" my exchange year and that I could have done so much "better". It was nothing at all as to what I expected. But I have to say - I think it was so much better. Geez it was harder than a diamond, but I think it was one in itself.

Yesterday I had a really long conversation with Nine (as in - about 4 hours). I gave her some of myself which I just felt like I haven't given before now, and had I been willing to earlier, than maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way (but I think it needed to). We talked about lots of things - I was the one mostly talking (about myself) - about every aspect of my exchange, about how I felt, about coming here, about expectations and disappointments and my way to reacting to everything, about my childhood and my different states of mind that I put myself into (i.e. DON'T BE SELF-PITYFUL - there are a lot of people who love me, and I know it. And also caring too much about what others think), and where that all originates from. It was really interesting and enjoyable, and I'm so happy that I'll be able to leave on a positive note.
 

I'm sure you guys'll understand. I know that my decision might be a surprise to some and not at all to others, but I just want to say:

Instead of looking back and wishing I could go back in time to be back with my host families, I want to find a different way for them to fit in with my life now, and in the future. The eight months I've spent here have been amazing. It was nothing I expected it to be, and everything I needed it to be. I know a lot of exchange students who have said they would go back and relive it all if they just had the chance - that it's the hardest thing ever to leave again. It's hard admitting through so much... pressure in a way - to have a good time and love every minute - to say that it wasn't always the best and I am looking forward to going home. I've done amazing things, met amazing people and - there was a great quote I found earlier in the year, which is:

I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. - James Baldwin

And I believe it's true. But just because I'm going home doesn't mean I'm finished. I’m going to use everything about this year to help me to continue growing and changing as a person. Austria and Germany will always a part of me. It's in my blood! Being an exchange student is an amazing thing. But if you’ve followed my blog throughout this year, you know it’s not always easy. I have been challenged, angry, hurt, annoyed, in so many situations. But I can safely say, it’s a million percent worth it. 

I still want to share the experiences I had here with you. So maybe someday soon I'll come back here and tell you some stories. But for now, I'm so excited about what the future will bring.

Tim, Anna and I in Frankfurt

Anna, Tim and I in front of the Berlin Wall. Amazing. It will happen again some day.

A New Edition

Or should I say addition?

Both!

 

I'VE DONE IT! YAAAAAAAY! I'VE LIVED FOR 6 MONTHS IN ANOTHER COUNTRY!!!!
I think it's a pretty exciting achievement, made a million times more exciting by the fact that in a couple of hours I will finally get to see my twin brother again! HE WILL BE HERE. IN MY HOUSE. IN MY ROOM. IN THE SAME PLACE AS ME. And I just don't have enough words to describe how I feel about it.

Overjoyed

Happy

Scared

Anxious

Excited

Terrified

Words cannot describe. And I'm just too wound up to write anything of sense! These holidays are going to fly by and I think I'll barely have a minute to write anything here. How exciting!

On Being An Exchange Student

Yay!! I'm turning into a stereotypical exchange student and running out of time/motivation to write my blog as frequently as I think I should! Of course, this is a wonderful thing, meaning I am living more in the 'real world' here rather than pining after and trying to please everyone at home, but it's also rather frustrating, because there's always that thing at the back of my mind niggling at me saying... "You really should be writing that blog post instead of reading/watching movies/sewing/playing with the kids/exploring Vienna/writing letters and emails/etc." But I know that really these things I spend mostof my time doing are MOST DEFINITELY the most important parts of my exchange and I should be doing them. But of course I feel guilty for not being Superwoman and making the time to write.

I've been rather busy since I last wrote but I don't want to reflect over every single little detail of what I did (eg. I went here with these people and it was fun and then we did this and that etc.) so I'll just say: I've been shopping a few times (shopping in Vienna can be lots of fun, although can also be VERY expensive - which I try my best to avoid), I've been out with a bunch of other exchange students a few times, I've had a couple of concerts for band and also one for school, and I've been on a big hiking trip with another couple exchange students! Plus of course the ever-impending school - but on a happy note there: THIS WEEK IS THE LAST WEEK BEFORE TWO MONTHS OF HOLIDAYS!! And from Monday to Wednesday I'll be going on a camp (to Gallien [yes I know all the info's in German, but you get the general idea]), which will hopefully give me the chance to finally become closer to some of my classmates outside of a school environment. Which reminds me - I really need to write about my CURRENT school. Oh well. Sometime...

Anyway, this really was just a short post to let you know I'm alive and happy and busily spending my life as an exchange student. I'll leave you with a number of photos of my family :)

Me being squashed by Theo (and Carl)

This is what baking is about really...

Super roller-blading Mum! - Along the Danube

The gorgeous Freya

The boys (Theo, Carl) - we go for bike rides together in the forest (this is on the way)

Child's fashion

Like Father, like son?

Just an average story-time... :)

School 2 - BORG Straßwalchen

My month living in Salzburg was very very very long. My whole experience there is a mystery to basically everyone, including myself sometimes, because I was so miserable I didn't write in my diary for 2 weeks! But that's not what I'm here to write about just now. Onto school number 2!

By the end of my stay, school was the best thing while I was living in Salzburg. I think there's always a place for exchange students (at least at some point) which is so much better than anywhere else. A place where they feel a bit more comfortable than anywhere else and they can escape there - something to look forward to and that was kind of school for me. Even though it still wasn't amazingly great and pretty difficult, it was a way in which to be distracted from brooding in my own thoughts and as I mentioned in my last school post, an easy way to meet people.

So there I was, living in my little village Henndorf am Wallersee. The city of Salzburg is about 15km south and the town of Straßwalchen is about 11km north, which is where I went to school for the month or so I was living there. Getting myself out of bed every morning was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Because every morning I had to wake up between 5:30-5:45am to get ready for school. Horrible. Now, I never really considered myself a 'morning' or 'night' person, but by being here I've come to realise I'm definitely more of a night person. I used to adore mornings, especially getting up at sparrow's fart to go on some exciting adventure (i.e. band tours, school trips, balloon festival, travelling), but the thing is that wasn't EVERY DAY and I was generally in a wonderful mood! Anyway. Here I would drag myself out of bed, groggily cursing at the unfairness of it all but always managing to get ready in time to crunch my way through the snow in order to catch the bus at 6:30am. BECAUSE SCHOOL STARTED AT 7:30 (and finished at 1pm - MADNESS!), and the next bus was (supposedly) too late. Twas a long month. It was always dark (and note: I love and live for sun), it was always cold (see previous) and there was always someone smoking at the bus stop. But it wasn't all bad. I would appreciate the drive to school, listening to music, staring out the window into the strangely dark recesses of snow and fog. It was definitely a thing of beauty.

My afternoon bus stop

No photos of mystery and fog, but this was on my way home from school :)

My school was BORG Straßwalchen. BORG Straßwalchen is also a Gymnasium (Austrian/German Secondary College) and has two streams within it - arts and natural sciences. I was in the arts stream and was initially very excited about it because I thought "WOW an arts school in Austria must be super awesome!!" But it turned out just to be a pretty normal school which happened to have arts subjects. I have come to understand that all students in Austria have roughly the same curriculum, consisting of subjects such as Maths, German, History, Chemistry and English, but then depending on the stream in the Gymnasium they also have extra subjects. So in this case my normal classes were: Maths, English, Physics, Psychology, Philosophy, History, Chemistry, German, Geography and Sport, but also Music, Art and Latin in addition. Latin was definitely my favourite subject and I looked forward to it more than anything else. Gosh I'm such a nerd! But I will explain myself.

I have always been fascinated with languages, a love I caught from my mother! Learning German has been challenging, but I always find the similarities it and English amazing. English is a Germanic language, so really they are quite similar, and both of them have large parts derived from Latin. So by learning Latin I could see the similarities a lot more clearly and the history behind certain words! For example: "Servus" in Austria is a casual greeting to say "hello" or "goodbye" obviously depending which context you use it in. But "Servus" in Latin is the equivalent of the English "slave" or "servant". So essentially this greeting originated in Austria by people offering their services - "I am your servant". Just something I found really fascinating. Plus most people in Australia don't learn any Latin! The other classes were reasonable, but I generally kept to myself quite a bit and would just try my best to get through the day. My class was full of girls - with only four boys out of about 20 of us - and they were all really lovely and welcoming. They were interested in me straight away and wanted to include me in everything they did. I now realise how special that was, because it's often hard to find a group of people so willing to include you so quickly. And now I actually miss that school and the friends I made there!

Straßwalchen, nearing the end of Winter

MY SCHOOL! At the beginning, there was lots of snow around... But this was taken on my last day (end of Feb)

I have one last funny story. On the last day we were meant to have sport, instead of going to the gym, we went out as a class to breakfast. The sport classes were split into separate girls and boys classes which I found kind of strange, seeing as that stopped for me in year 8. We went to one of the local cafés - which was always really wonderfully yum! At this point, I still wasn't too great at German, but I was good enough to get the general jist of what was in the menu. I decided to order the "Lady's Breakfast" which consisted of toast with ham, cream cheese, salmon and a bit of capsicum and onion on the side, a hot chocolate (or coffee - but hot chocolates in Austria are heaven), a pastry and to my great surprise:

A glass of champagne...

Not one of my best photos, but you get the general idea!

 I was so unbelievably shocked because I was not expecting that AT ALL. And as far as I know, you don't get anything like that in Australia (at least not in my experiences...!). Everyone thought it was absolutely hilarious, and although I was a little taken aback and embarrassed at the time, looking back it's just one of those moments which makes you laugh! A wise friend here once told me that often the hardest and most horrible things to go through here are the ones you remember the most and look back in the greatest amusement. This is just an example of how sometimes language can really get the better of you!

And yes, I drank it :)

Re-Entry And Reflections

As I said in my last post, I spent last weekend at my 'half-way' seminar for exchange. I was thinking about writing a nitty-gritty re-cap of the whole weekend, but I decided that wouldn't necessarily be the best way to look over it and it probably wouldn't be all that enthralling for the majority of people reading it!

So I want to talk about the highlights and my feelings about it all and reflect over the weekend and the past few months I've been here.

Arriving at the station in Micheldorf, we were faced with a hike up the mountain to the beautiful castle Burg Altpernstein. It was a really cloudy day, but the castle floating in the clouds looked so romantic! It's a pretty strenuous walk but like last time it was beautiful, plus the hour gives us a wonderful chance to talk with the other students and see some of the country side.

An amazing sunset from the castle looking over the valley...

Our home for the weekend! Burg Altpernstein

A bit more of the castle

Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to meet the rest of the exchange students here in Austria from my organisation. It was wonderful to become friends with them and get to know each of them a little better, but also to strengthen the friendships I already had. The connection that exchange students have with each other is literally beyond words. I can't describe it. Thrown together from all corners of the world all speaking different languages, you have this ginormous part of your lives in common with each other. For me, the feeling of connection I have with some of these people is stronger than the connection I feel with some of the people back home, whom I have known for years. Being in this group, you know what is going through the hearts and minds of these people. You know the hardships, the joys, the huge mountains which feel like you'll never be able to slowly climb over. And they'll always be there to lend an ear, a shoulder, a hug. Some of these people I would probably have never had become friends with if we'd met in a "normal" situation. Sometimes they can be frustrating. Sometimes you want to hit your head against the wall from the things that they say or do. But other times it's like you have this magical connection. They know when words just aren't enough and you just need a hug. They know that if you want to do something, there's no point in being scared doing it, because the worst thing that can happen isn't actually of any consequence. Running down hills crazily. Talking to people in another language. Asking questions. Proudly acting like a kid. Living life to the fullest.

Awesome new friends!

Because that's what life (and Austria) is for!

One of my favourite things of the weekend was realising the power of language. I know I mentioned something like that briefly in my Croatia blog post, but it really hit so much more over this weekend. There were students represented from the following countries:

• Australia - 3
• America - 1
• Estonia - 2
• Finland - 2
• Mexico - 1
• Brazil - 1
• Moldova - 2
• Sweden - 1
• Japan - 2
• Switzerland - 1
• Belgium - 1
• Norway - 1
• Thailand - 1
• (And of course Austria) - Many!

And our one main language in common was (and is) German. For some reason everyone could speak English as well (seems like the whole world can - almost literally...) but the best way to communicate with each other was German. And what an amazing feeling. I now have friends who have come from all over the world, and being able to communicate with them through a language, which isn’t our own, is just unbelievable. The longer I am here the more I realise the immense power that language has on the world and communication, and the more excited I am about learning.

Because it was a re-entry seminar for the majority of the exchange students, that was the topic we focused on the whole weekend. Each day we were rotated into separate groups to talk, and complete different activities. We asked and answered questions, we wrote down thoughts and beliefs, we learnt how to keep going. In one of the first groups we each had to write down 10 things we want to take with us from this year in our imaginary suitcase. Then we got into pairs and had to narrow it down to 10 together, then 5, then 10 as a whole group. My 10 things were:

1. Language
2. Friendships
3. Independence
4. Positivity
5. Memories and Stories
6. Music
7. Confidence
8. Understanding
9. Patience
10. God

It was interesting to see the things other people came up with, and our final list consisted of Relationships, Culture, Language, Experiences and Self Development. In another group we had to draw a river of our year (although, only 5 months for us Aussies). Rocks were struggles, maybe there was a dam, maybe the rocks were bigger at some points and smaller at others. Maybe there was rain, but then came beautiful flowers, trees and like a fish in water, we would keep swimming. We compared ourselves with how we were at the beginning, to how we are now and how our attitudes and tastes have changed. It was things as simple as our favourite foods and drinks, way to dress, music, subjects, hobbies, down to how we interact with our family(/ies), who the people who most inspire us are, those who's opinions we value the most and our "life philosophy". And we learnt how to say thank you to all our families and friends, and places we have come to know. Of course I'm not saying goodbye quite yet, but it really opened my eyes as to what this year is all about, and how I can make the next however many months really work for me.

Words can't describe... One of the castle terraces.

A lot of the weekend wasn't spent in complete seriousness and we had quite a lot of free time together, which was so much fun. I had the strangest feeling at some points. I remembered what it was like to have friends. Before you scorn - read. A lot of you probably know that it's been difficult for me to make friends and that I often feel lonely. Well lately I've just come to accept that feeling and it's not as hard for me to be away from everyone and spend so much time on my own. But this weekend I was able to be myself, feeling like I didn't have to impress anyone - that I could be sad if I wanted, or as mad as a hatter. Admittedly I chose the latter, and I felt like myself for one of the first times this year. It was a nice feeling.

Another roaring sunset

Free time was spent talking, playing crazy 'drama' games - as well as chess, cards, table tennis and soccer, basketball (... the ball may or may not have been thrown over the cliff...), listening to music, playing guitar, singing, dancing, and on Friday I went for a wonderful walk with Molly in the woods. It was awesome to have someone with talk to about anything we wanted, and I think she's a really special person :) It was a BEAUTIFUL walk and the area is absolutely amazing. The woods are so beautiful, and we even stumbled across WILD STRAWBERRIES (they don't exist in Australia!), lots of snails, and a snake (but we don't know if it was actually a snake... that was just while we were poking round in the strawberries, so we left it alone). Awesome.

Just casually playing basketball in a castle courtyard

Hut in the woods; proudly adorned with an Austrian flag (aka a trail marker)

WILD STRAWBERRIES!!

I never thought I would have the chance to see something so beautiful.

"It's 2am here now. DEFINITELY sleep time. But I wish I could stay here with these people forever. I'm in a castle. In the middle of Austria. The moonlight's washing in through the windows and I can hear a bunch of the kids still downstairs screaming with laughter. Life is so beautiful."

Me on the terrace - long live living!

Five And A Video

It's been a crazy hectic few weeks and it's getting harder and harder to find the time and motivation to write blog posts up! I know they don't need to be as comprehensive as I make them, but that's just me. I don't feel like I've done anything particularly note-worthy since I last wrote except for these three things:

1. I went with Nine to Krems to check out a potential host family for one of the inbound students coming in December. The son of the family (16) is going to Canada on exchange later this year and it was fascinating for me to see the excitement of the whole family. In so many ways I just wanted to say "YES! You'll have an amazing time, but it's not all perfect, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do! Lose all your expectations!!" and it made me realise how far I've already come. More on that in a bit. It was really interesting for me to see the process of how host familys are 'scanned' though, and the total excitement felt by them.
2. I had the Spring Concert with my Musikkapelle on the Sunday 29th of May which was an incredible experience but very overwhelming at the same time. I WILL write more about Musikkapelle soon!
3. From 2nd June - 4th June I had my HALF WAY SEMINAR with all the other exchange students (for whom it was the Re-Entry Seminar) in Austria from my organisation, even though it's not quite half a year. The five month mark is today - 150 days exactly and I'm actually rather amazed! I've been through so much and I can't decide if it's past ridiculously fast or slow.

I was planning to write one of my hugely long, usual posts, but one of my new best friends Molly made a video which just sums up how I feel right now. She's the exchange student from America who came in August last year, and is leaving soon. So all I can do is put that here because it's the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

P.S. I may have been a little crazy on the weekend. Yes I laugh at snail sex and dance like an idiot. :D

School 1 - Ödenburger Straße

Ödenburger Straße was my first school in Vienna. If you've read my first couple of blog posts you will know that I spent one of my first days in Vienna in hospital (which you can read more about here), so I didn't actually get to start school with the new term. But that was ok really, because I was going to be the new girl no matter what!

Here's a brief overview of the Austrian School System. It may be boring so you can skip this paragraph if you like!
It is compulsory for all children who are permanent residents of Austria to go to school from the school year following their sixth birthday, with their education lasting at least nine years. Primary education (Volksschule) lasts for 4 years. Lower secondary education lasts for another four years and at this level there are two streams of schooling to choose from - Hauptschule or Allgemeinbildende Höhere Schule (or AHS-Unterstufe). Both the lower secondary branches offer basic general education preparing students for their transfer to their final years of schooling in upper secondary education, however Hauptschule (as far as I can tell) teaches at a slower pace. Upper secondary school has a lot of options! Students start there when they're about 14, and education goes for another four to five years. At this point, students from the Hauptschule have the choice to study VET (Vocational Education and Training) programs with apprenticeship training and students attending AHS-Unterstufe will often branch into different specialist Gymnasiums (Yes, high school is called 'Gymnasium'!) preparing them for university study. Gymnasiums have focuses such as Languages (inc. Latin and Ancient Greek), Maths and Geometry or Economics (among other things). So now you are knowledgeable!

Ödenburger Straße is one of the biggest schools in Vienna and has 3 different streams within it - Languages, Arts and Maths/Science. I was in the Arts stream but I only attended this school for three very very cold, foggy weeks before moving!

A typical afternoon - my bus stop outside school

Every morning I had to catch the bus at 7:40am - still in the dark - which was about the same time I had to in Australia. School went from 8:10 until 1pm everyday which meant it usually went quite quickly and I always free afternoons! It is AMAZING the amount of subjects students must attend here and I found it quite strange because school hours were a lot shorter than in Australia and yet I had eleven different classes. Yes. ELEVEN. They were German, Geography, Psychology, Physics, Chemistry, English, History, Maths, Italian, Music and Religion. Students don't get a choice in which subjects they have, and the majority of subjects were only 2-3 hours a week.

A typical, foggy walk home from the bus stop

Now onto the general school and class. As I think most people know, it is very daunting starting at a new school. Everything feels so big and confusing and you don't know where anything is. Well, let me just tell you this: it is absolutely TERRIFYING starting at a new school, in a new language, with thousands of students, all the ones in your class having known eachother for the last 10 years or so, and with everyone you know on the other side of the world. The first day I started school I was totally bewildered with where I was and what I was doing. But to be honest this feeling stayed for the three weeks I was there! The first day I walked into the class with my new teacher and was announced to the class. I don't actually remember much about it and I didn't write in my diary that day (which I do regret now) because I was so overwhelmed. I know that from that day though, I was pretty well ignored by the teachers because I understood very little of what they were saying. I spent most of my days trying to catch words out of the air and pin them down in my memory after translating them. So. Many. Words.

My first (and crazy) proper snow fall! Walking up my street, home from school.

The class was ok. It seemed to me that none of the students really payed all that much attention to the teachers and would often do their own thing - playing on their phones or iPods, talking, doodling... but after thinking about it, there's always students doing that and even more so in the back row, which was where my seat was! I was incredibly shy so didn't really make any friends, plus they all always had work to do. That's another thing - we had only one 15 minute break between 9:50 and 10:05 in which I would usually just stare into space, scared out of my wits. A very productive use of time, even if I do say so myself! But by the end of the three weeks I was starting to settle in a little more and found some people in the class who were more like myself (rather than the outgoing back-row smokers, which of course are good in their own way... but who wants to go out into the snow to smoke every break?). And then there were the teachers. I don't remember all of them but here goes. My German teacher was also my 'class' teacher (like tutor group) and was the first one I met. She gave me her email address and phone number straight away (which seems to be pretty normal here!) so if I had any problems I could talk to her. She was pretty nice.
My English teacher was a bit of an old fart (sorry, but it's true!) and always came up really close to talk to you. He always had lots of questions for me which were often difficult to answer (such as how my school and grades worked EXACTLY. That's hard enough to explain to people living in Australia!). I remember a particularly interesting conversation with him one lesson while the rest of the class was taking a test. He was determined to try and teach me some German, which was very nice of him but his method of doing it wasn't really the best. This consisted of him asking me questions very slowly in German in a whisper, which made it even more impossible for me to understand! He wanted to know all about my life, and this particular exchange was about what I want to do next year at university. We resorted to English and I told him that I wasn't really sure what I wanted, but maybe visual arts, music, science or historical conservation. I told him I'd already been accepted into ceramics and glass making, to which he wanted to know what the point of that was. The cheek! His argument was that there is absolutely no purpose in being a glass artist and it gives no contribution to the world so why on Earth do it? I told him it's like any art, and all for the enjoyment of others. I asked him if he thought the same about music. His answer was no, that music actually contributed to society in a greater way and that we wouldn't be able to live without it. "But why?" I asked. I pointed out to him that we live with glass around us every day - windows, jars, glasses, computers, bottles... That everything we see was originally someone's art. I was getting really pretentious at this point but I would not back down! In the end I don't think he was really convinced with my argument and it never really got resolved, but after that point I would keep looking forward to English classes just so I could talk my native tongue, and maybe just wind him up a little...
The last teacher I remember was my physics teacher and was the EPITOME of mad scientist. He had this absolutely hilarious Austrian dialect and spoke really really slowly. He wore crazy woollen jumpers (sweatshirts or pullovers for those who don't understand Australian!), huge round glasses and pulled the craziest faces. He seemed to hold a certain delight in demonstrating crazy and dangerous pracs, and there was one particular lesson which he just spent blowing bubbles... I'm sure there was a point to it all, but as an outsider looking in without understanding a word, it was simply hilarious.

A beautiful, unusually clear sunrise at my bus stop one morning

So there you have it. My first school. I didn't get an overly large impression of it because it was really big and I only attended there for three weeks. New schools are always hard, but I was looking forward to leaving and starting at the next one... who knew what would face me there?

Storm's A-brewin'

Here I am in the middle of Austria with a beautiful Spring storm brewing. Every minute or so there comes a loud rumble of thunder. But half the sky's still blue.
I have lots of thoughts today. So many things to write about, so many dreams, aspirations, confusions. Yesterday I felt really sad. Today I feel really happy.

What's bothering me. Maybe "bothering" isn't the best word. Maybe it is.

Nonsense, I'm writing nonsense!!

It's been a beautiful Spring day. I rung my family this morning and spoke to various family members for about an hour. I rung them yesterday too, and cried to various family members for about an hour. My brain these last couple of days has been like this Spring weather. Gorgeously sunny one minute, storm a-brewin' the next.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. Like I can't go forward and I can't go back. It's like that little kid's game stuck in the mud. But there's no one there to come running after me to tap me free.

There are so many things I want to teach the kids here. But I just don't know how. I feel like I'm two and no one understands me. I'm talking in broken sentences, the words clamouring to get out, but they're all the wrong ones. I want to be able to teach my brothers cricket. I want to be able to explain to them that I found a pair of deer antlers in the woods the other day. I want to be able to dream with them. I want to be able to make up games with my little sister instead of just sitting there with her wondering what to say next to make her laugh.

I've become a lot more of a physical person here. If you can't tell someone how you feel, you learn to show them. Pointing, pictures, actions, and lots of laughing. I don't say all that much, but I try my best to make them laugh. When they laugh, I've achieved something. When they stop crying, I've achieved something.

I was playing soccer with Carl in the garden this afternoon (like so many before). I felt like myself again. I was pulling faces and dancing around and throwing my legs into the air and falling over and doing the splits and somersaults and generally acting like a clown. And he would laugh and laugh. And, and, and...


Brain Storm! My oh my there's so much in my head!

That Small Thing Called School

Judging by all my previous blog posts, it would appear that all I do here is whine, travel around and celebrate various occasions - and never actually go to school. But on the contrary, that is how most of my time is occupied and of course, I wouldn't be an exchange student without it! The main reason I AM an exchange student is to go to school and experience the life of an average teenager in Austria. Plus going to school gives me something to do every day - a way to get out the house, but most importantly provides me an easy environment to meet people my own age and to learn lots of German in a HUGE variety of subjects! So as I'm sure you're all able to guess, this is going to be a post about one of the biggest aspects of my life here.


Because I've moved around quite a bit, I am already at my third school within four months, and they haven't been easy transitions. I'll start with this.
I always wanted to be the new girl. You watch all these American movies or TV shows about the new girl going to high school. Sure, she may have some difficulties at first, but it's always exciting. She's interesting, no one knows where she came from, where she fits in. I always thought it would be an exciting adventure to be "the new girl" as they always make it out to be (yes, you may think I'm a little ridiculous). And I think in some ways it IS (and has been) exciting, but once again I may have had a few over-the-top expectations, and a few things that were not expected, or simply didn't exist:

•  I'm not going to an English-speaking school. In a lot of ways that makes me MORE interesting, but it also makes it REALLY hard to make friends. You're of interest to people for the first couple of days, maybe weeks, but then it becomes normal, they have better things to do than try and strike up conversations. YOU have to talk to people. And when you literally don't know how to talk to people, that gives you a great disadvantage.
  I thought I would be the same person when I came here. I would have called myself happy, positive, outgoing and friendly. Ready to talk to people if they wanted to, and ready to strike up a conversation. When I left I realised just how many people cared for me though, and started wondering why I was actually leaving. But then I remembered: I've watched exchange students before - being the centre of attention, supposedly so happy, surrounded by 'friends' - and I'm sure some of them were! But some of them were probably just crying inside wishing for their own friends, their own school, their own language. It's amazing how well some people can hide their emotions.
• Too much of a good thing. Being the new girl once was pretty exciting. Very daunting at the same time, but still exciting. Twice was pretty good because I knew more of what to expect, but it was really hard to do everything all over again. Three times was horrible. I knew I wouldn't make instantaneous friends, I'd already made friends in my last school and didn't want to leave them and the comfort I was just starting to find with them. It's not fun.
• I never realised just how much of an impact being a twin would make on my life. I was never the girl alone in the corner - I always had Tim. I never had to figure out how to make friends quickly - I always had Tim to wait with me until the time came. And it's simply a lot easier when EVERYONE'S new (i.e. Primary School [but as if that even counts] and High School). So I never really formed this survival technique of making friends for myself without the support of another. And that's been the hardest part for me.
  I've never spent so much time "on my own" before. I've never had to catch the bus home without knowing there was someone to share my day with somewhere. I've always had someone to laugh at teachers or fellow students with, to help with homework, to just be there. And that's a huge thing to be without so suddenly after 18 years, when I now need to speak German with everyone and when all of my family is on the other side of the world. I know that having to experience that all by yourself is just totally normal life for basically everyone else my age - and I am well aware that we wouldn't have spent the rest of our lives together, but that doesn't mean it's not hard!

This blog post could go on forever. But I'm going to end it there as an introduction, and do separate ones for each of my schools:

• School One: BG Ödenburger Straße
• School Two: BORG Straßwalchen
• School Three: BORG 20 Brigittenauer Gymnasium

Woooooooooooooooooooooo School!

One Third and Kroatien

To put it simply, I've been flat out busy for the last month and a half (or so...). The four month mark has officially come and gone and it's incredible to think I've already spent a third of a year in Austria! It's funny looking back remembering being amazed at reaching simply four WEEKS in Austria. This past month has flown. It hasn't really felt like it while I've been living them, but looking back they have! One of the main reasons for this is because I've had things to constantly keep me going, to look forward to. I haven't had a free weekend (with just the family, chilling at home) for 6 weeks which is the main reason I haven't written more here. It turns out that quite a few people actually read my blog (as in not just my family!) and I've had quite a few compliments about photos and information and writing. I am shocked but also immensely grateful about them all (and feel pressured more than ever to do a good job...)! Thank you! But more thoughts later. For now I want to tell you about my trip to Croatia. For those who hadn't heard, my host family and I travelled to Croatia for the Easter long weekend. IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! Four days definitely wasn't long enough to spend there, but I relished them immensely.

Early on Good Friday morning (literally - about 5am) we all packed into the car to just casually drive to Croatia... We stopped somewhere in the middle of Slovenia to have breakfast and then kept on going. I was kind of worried about what it would be like with such very young kids for a 6 1/2 hour drive, but I was very pleasantly surprised at how well they behaved themselves! There was no fighting, hitting or screaming, very little whinging and crying and quite a lot of silence! I remember car trips from when I was that young; they always seemed to take FOREVEEEER and there was lots of noise and singing and squabbling and unrest. But these kids were great! Our desitination was the island of Krk just off the coast, and on there, a tiny little town perched on a rocky outcrop called Vrbnik.

Finally we got there. After a quick lunch, we all went down to the beach (except Georg) and spent hours down there. It was awesome for me to be back at the water again. Even though it wasn’t anything like an Aussie beach (no waves, no sand) and even though I don’t normally live on the coast - I miss it! The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the beach was clean and the water was FREEZING. We amused ourselves by skipping rocks, climbing along the rocks, lying in the sun and attempting to catch fish and shrimps with Carl’s net. Walking around in the water your feet get numb, and if you stand still for long enough, a shrimp may find a resting spot on your foot. I managed to ‘catch’ a beautiful little red sea urchin, much to the enjoyment of the kids (including myself!). It is just an incredible beach. The water is so picturesquely blue and clear, and the ocean is so silent.

How deliciously wonderful!

Part of our 'beach'

Carl's occupation for the weekend

We eventually went back up to the apartment because everyone was hungry and we had heard there was an Easter procession on that evening. We went and had delicious and HUGE pizzas, and something I found really interesting was the fact that the waiter could speak Croation, English, German and Italian. You certainly don’t find service like that in Australia! It’s so normal for people to speak at least two languages here though. Europeans are cool. And have really, really good language education (which Australia really should learn from…). After dinner we walked to the Parish Chapel of St. John, a 14^th century stone Church, where the Good Friday Easter service was being held. The church was absolutely packed out, but somehow people still kept managing to squeeze in there or just stood outside waiting. I was cautious going in because I was honestly felt a little guilty because I thought maybe it was more important for someone to take the place I would stand in, but I decided it was an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so I may as well. Turned out that although the church was really full, there was just a bit of congestion right at the back, so I got a nice place and didn’t feel like I was in the way.

The church service was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced – I literally cried I was touched so much. I’ve never been to a Catholic church service before, and so that was really interesting in itself, but the fact that it was in Croation, in this incredible old stone church and the whole town was there, made it even better. Their praise and love of God was so strong. They all sang in their rich, Croation, incredible perfect harmonies filling this church on a hill with sound, love and hope. I can’t explain how moved I was by it all. Croatian is such a beautiful language, which I would really love to learn! After about an hour of standing inside enraptured in the spectacle, I decided to go back outside to see what the rest of my family were doing. Georg had already taken the boys home because the whole service ran a LOT longer than anyone expected, but Nine and I stayed around with Freya waiting for the procession to start. Soon enough it did. Hundreds of (very brown!) men and women came filing out of the church all singing. Priests and young boys with candles and crosses, then we walked around the tiny, narrow, cobblestone streets, winding between houses and gardens in the calm dusky evening. We got back reasonably late, but it was definitely worth it. It was an incredible day. Here's a bit I filmed of the procession. I LOVE the singing.

Saturday was another long, exhausting, beautiful day. I woke up at 6 to Carl bawling his eyes out at something, and it felt like FOREVER before he stopped but it was probably only a few minutes. Eventually I got up, had breakfast and got ready to face the day! That day we decided to try and find another beach not too far away.

I was absolutely captivated by the sea in Croatia. I’ve never seen the ocean so calm – such an expanse of water so calm. The ocean is wild and rough. Unforgiving, deep, terrifying. The profound quietness and calm of the ocean there is almost unimaginable. And the incredible blues and greens. I can’t describe the beauty of it. It’s just unbelievable! Of course I love the Australian oceans too. For a start we have actual sand. The beaches on Krk consist of beautiful bleached white, pink and orange rocks, but they can be REALLY painful on your feet! The beach for me has always meant waves, sand and wind. But I love it all.

LOVE

So, we spent the morning on the beach, which would have been lovely and still had there not been singing, whinging, shouting, crying children! But the sun was out and the water was cool (i.e. FREEZING) so that made it kind of bearable. After our little picnic lunch we went into town to have an ice cream and a wander. The more I see of Europe the more amazed I am! It’s just like in all the pictures! I guess I should know that it really looks like that, but to see it all with my own eyes is so much more incredible. Vrbnik is set on the hilly cliffs with nothing flat except the ocean. It’s a gorgeous little town with ups and downs, the amazing water, tiny narrow streets, gorgeous gardens and moody houses with cracked walls, tiny doors and stray cats. Perfect. Sometimes I find it hard experiencing all these amazing things ‘on my own’. I want to be able to tell someone everything that comes into my head, to be able to take spontaneous adventures and be able to look back with someone and say ‘Oh do you remember that one time in Croatia…’ but in a way that’s what I have this blog for! To share my adventures with you for an audience who actually has a choice as to whether they want to hear it or not!!

The narrowest alley we could find and a typical door

Easter Sunday. A day I thought was going to be dreadfully hard, but it was one of my best days this year. For the last couple of years for Easter, my brother, sister and I, along with a bunch of friends, volunteer at the National Folk Festival in Canberra for 4-5 days, filled with IMMENSE fun, memories, excitement, music, food, folk and camping. It is the highlight of my year. Of course this year I missed it, but I’ve realised now that was ok. I was in Croatia having the time of my life with another beautiful family.

I was woken up early by Carl and instantly remembered the overwhelming excitement getting up early for Easter would always give me. Got to be honest though, it still really excites me! We went straight outside to search for real eggs, chocolate eggs and bunnies, and presents! I felt so incredibly lucky and loved. My Mama had sent an AMAZING rocky road egg (rocky road doesn’t exist in Europe!!), Nine’s parents gave me some chocolates, Georg’s a lovely German children book, and Nine and Georg (slash the Easter Bunny) gave me a pair of ROLLER BLADES. HOW COOL IS THAT?! It seems to be pretty normal to give kids presents at Easter here (something I’ve discussed with other people here!) which was nice but certainly something I’m not used to! Theo got a pair too, and Nine had brought Carl’s with, so in a big hurry straight after breakfast, off we went.

View of Vrbnik from one side of our balcony

Sunday morning. A beautiful view and a beautiful breakfast!

It doesn’t help that we were staying in an apartment right on top of one of the hills. The view was worth if, but trying to roller blade down a steep hill (with cliffs and an ocean at the bottom) for the first time in years was HILARIOUS to say the least. I felt so immensely uncoordinated and if I’m going to be honest, I may have fallen over a couple of times… I had to get Georg to hold my hand! However eventually I got a little more confident and was soon off on my own, chasing after the kids. I have SO much more respect for actual skaters *Damiano*.

The rest of the day spent in Krk – the main town on the island. I spent about an hour trying to catch fish with Carl in his net, then we all went and had ice-cream for lunch! We wandered around the town and I found a cute touristy shop where I bought some GORGEOUS little hand made ceramic houses, which I just had to buy.

Someone else couldn't think of a better way to spend their Easter!

Offshore

A rather common occurance. I love it!

My family was really patient with me and waited around outside while I was looking. When I came out again, Georg and Carl were running around playing soccer with Freya’s ball, so I joined in having a lot of fun - the most fun I’d had in ages! It’s the little things! Eventually after more walking and eating, we went back ‘home’ and had a beautiful dinner of pizza in an incredible restaurant balancing on the edge of a cliff. It was a lovely day. Something, which really struck me that day, was the power of language. A lot of the people we met on the island spoke German. It made me realise how my German’s coming along and it felt like I was really putting it to a practical use. It’s interesting trying to talk to people in your second language when it’s their second language too, but your only form of communication.

I wrote this in my diary that evening:

“I’m here sitting on the balcony with Georg. We’ve been sitting here on the couch for the last half an hour (it’s now 10pm) reading/sewing, drinking wine, and now I’m writing. It's all pretty quiet. No traffic, the sea is mirror-still, occasional dog barking, people singing in the distance. You look out into this immense darkness. There are no stars and no reflections in the inky water – even with the lights of a distant town sparkling on the hill. The church steeple is lit up tonight – a soft green, the highest point you can see. The air is clean and sweet and radiates calm.”

Our view from dinner (we were eating on the terrace outside)

The last full day in Croatia was another good day, but kind of felt like a dream coming to an end; wanting to catch those last fleeting thoughts and escape reality for just that tiny bit longer. I was woken to the sound of roller blades thumping up and down the hallway, children crying and the usual chaos. I have SO MUCH RESPECT for my parents. How does someone put up with so much silliness?! No wonder parents are such big fans of peace and quiet! After breakfast I went down to the marina with Carl to do some more fishing even though I didn’t particularly feel like it (I bend under his every whim!), though I ended up enjoying myself.  We caught some shrimps, I managed to catch a positively HUGE fish (about 15cm :P ) and we saw an awesome starfish which I almost trod on. Eventually we left (after a couple of hours!) and walked up one of the hills looking out to beautiful views. I take far too many photos.

The Marina

View from someone's vege patch at the top of the hill. Jealous!!!

After lunch the whole family (even Georg!!) went down to the beach for the last time. It was beautiful (again), and after throwing and skipping stones and building towers, Carl and I decided to go SWIMMING! I decided to look for a place where I could just jump right in because I knew if I’d tried to walk in from the beach, apart from being painful and slimy, I would probably give up because I would only be able to take one step at a time. Let me tell you one thing. That water is COLD. It averages about 18˚ in Spring, 8˚ in Winter and 28˚ in Summer. That is a BIG difference.  But I always go swimming at the beach, no matter what the season (unless it’s dangerous… or maybe the Baltic Sea in the middle of Winter…). So I found myself a rock to jump off and after a lot of deliberating I decided it was ‘now or never’ and dived in. OH MY GOODNESS IT WAS FREEZING. I promptly went very red and very numb. However it was one of the most worthwhile things I’ve ever done. I was clever enough to bring my goggles with me. Fish, water, colours, sun. It was incredible. I dived down and the first thing I saw was hundreds of blue sea cucumbers which were actually kind of scary until I remembered they couldn’t do anything to me. I made some fishy friends – silver fish with a black spot on their tails which wouldn’t swim away. Blue and yellow striped fish. Big fish, small fish, lots of slimy white and green rocks. I felt like there should have been a shipwreck down there for me to explore! It was magnificent. And cold. So I got out after not all that long and lay in the sun until it crept behind the impending clouds, when we went back to the apartment and roller bladed on the balcony, played memory, and I read in very valuable silence while Nine took Freya for a walk and I had managed to distract the boys with doodle jump on my iPod. Finally it was bedtime. Finally it was really silent.

Last sunset off the balcony

Vrbnik is a beautiful, beautiful town. Narrow alleys, cobble stones, stairs, little doors and tunnels, chiming bell towers and that medieval history, all perched precariously on a high cliff top looking out to the bluest ocean you will ever see. From now on I will try my best to convince everyone to go there.

It was sad to be going back home. And that’s how I’ve been thinking of it lately. Home. I have two homes now. I have two families, two lives, two homes. Some days I never want to leave and can’t think of any reasons to. Others, all I want to do is get a hug from Mama, play a game with Tim, talk nonsense with Claire or garden with Dada. Having two lives is a struggle, but in a way I know I’m the only one making it that way.