Steer

Time for another blog post! Yay!
At the moment, I actually feel a lot better than I have been lately. It's a kind of weird feeling. I've been so miserable for so long that I've kind of gotten into the habit of being miserable, so it feels like in a way; I should be guilty for being happy. I know this sounds like a really stupid thing to be thinking, but that's just the way my head is at the moment. Crazy!

These last four days have been a turning point for me (I hope). I've still had my moments of complete misery, but I've also had my moments of complete calm and enjoyment. And a lot of things have finally hit me. I just really hope that they stay and I can remember this feeling. So I think it's good to write it down, because then I can always go back and read my own advice!

So onto that. I've had a cold since Wednesday night, and because of this, I didn't go to school on Thursday or Friday. Which was pretty hard, because it meant I was at home, by myself, with nothing to do except wallow and fester in my own thoughts. Note to self: Avoid at all costs. I've been so so restless, and being sick, I couldn't go out for a walk, and this was besides the fact that it's been either snowing or raining for the last four days, which makes it extra hard to get out. So I felt trapped and like I was simply going mad! Madness! But as I've said, a few things have happened which have woken me up to myself.

As the wisdom of Salzburg says:

(The last word is 'wine' by the way...)

 
I spoke to my Mum, which is always really good, because I know she's there and she always has really good advice, no matter what. I now feel really bad because for the last however long, I've just been so upset and repetitive on the phone. She keeps reminding me to rely on the people over here, because there's nothing she can PHYSICALLY do. And the support people over here have been really great. So I think I've been wearing her and my whole family out a little, because they've only been hearing mostly about the miserable stuff. Actually, that goes for most people. But my life's not all bad. Next thing was, I spoke to Alex!!! YAAAAAAAY! This was seriously awesome. It was just really nice. I had a big ol' complain, but she was so lovely and patient, and wise and wonderful. She sends me an email everyday, and is just the best. Thanks Alex :) As she said in one of her emails:
"Emails are great, but until I actually hear you I can't really tell how you're feeling, and of course I still don't know exactly how you're feeling because I'm not you, but talking really helps." 
It did make me feel a lot better, and made me realise more than ever (I realise this point over and over and over again, it's getting a little repetitive...) that no matter how far away I am from all of everyone I know, they're still only an email/phone call/facebook/whatever away.

View from an Alp (see below...)

Yesterday, my host mum and dad took me into Salzburg again. I've been to Salzburg a few times since living here. Salzburg is surrounded by Alps, which I knew, but I really saw that yesterday. The really cool part about this is that you can walk around the rim of the city on a really high level, and see everything from above. It's the most spectacular thing. I was really, really miserable at first, but glad that we were out of the house. Basically: Salzburg is the most amazing city in the world. I will own a house or a pokey little flat or SOMETHING there someday. And I will be very poor. But I will be happy. Because it is the absolutely most delightful city in the world. Really. It's magical. So no matter where I end up next, I can be happy with the fact that I'll go back some day. Because I will.

But seriously. Beautiful? I THINK SO.

Along my wander, other than taking a lot of photos, I realised something I've always knoooooooooooown (I STILL CALL AUSTRALIA HOME). Well, yes, but really, I felt ok and I realised that you and your thoughts are what makes something beautiful. Beauty lies in everything, but it's your mood which distinguishes it. Something else I realised is that none of this will last forever. I know I need to make the best of every opportunity, but that's felt like it's been impossible to do for the last month. I really hope I can make this realisation stay with me because sometimes my thoughts just run away. I am really lucky and blessed in so, so many ways. I've known this all along, and it's a difficult thing for me to face sometimes because I've been so self-absorbed and selfish and miserable. When really I should just remember my old self, and let come what may. I love Austria. I really do. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and no matter where you go, there's always some little delight.

So, things are looking up!

I'm bringing this post to an end soonish, but before I do, I'm going to get to the title: Steer.
My new friend Lisa has been so inspiring and encouraging to me, and is so convinced that I can do this that I'm almost starting to believe it myself. She posted a video to me on facebook the other day of the song "Steer" by Missy Higgins. I'd already been listening to this song, but having her post it to me too, really felt special because it's just another thing we have in common! Here are the lyrics:

Feel it falling off like clothing
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn
Of freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been played at a game called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

'Cos you've been listening for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer
Year get out of the box and step into the clear
'Cos now you finally know you can steer

I've really taken these lyrics to heart. It's all up to me to make the most of all of my opportunites and circumstances, and to make this year what I can, and so we'll see where that takes me! I'll leave you with my last and favourite picture of Salzburg. I know I'm lucky. I feel pretty good at the moment. So see, I'm not all doom and gloom and "Australia's the best." Australia will still be there, Austria will still be here, and I will be where ever I take myself.

(Click to make it bigger! You have to see it bigger!)

As the Austrian's would say... bussi!

P.S. I JUST REALISED I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 50 DAYS. I feel that is some kind of achievement, whichever way you want to look at it :D