Steer

Time for another blog post! Yay!
At the moment, I actually feel a lot better than I have been lately. It's a kind of weird feeling. I've been so miserable for so long that I've kind of gotten into the habit of being miserable, so it feels like in a way; I should be guilty for being happy. I know this sounds like a really stupid thing to be thinking, but that's just the way my head is at the moment. Crazy!

These last four days have been a turning point for me (I hope). I've still had my moments of complete misery, but I've also had my moments of complete calm and enjoyment. And a lot of things have finally hit me. I just really hope that they stay and I can remember this feeling. So I think it's good to write it down, because then I can always go back and read my own advice!

So onto that. I've had a cold since Wednesday night, and because of this, I didn't go to school on Thursday or Friday. Which was pretty hard, because it meant I was at home, by myself, with nothing to do except wallow and fester in my own thoughts. Note to self: Avoid at all costs. I've been so so restless, and being sick, I couldn't go out for a walk, and this was besides the fact that it's been either snowing or raining for the last four days, which makes it extra hard to get out. So I felt trapped and like I was simply going mad! Madness! But as I've said, a few things have happened which have woken me up to myself.

As the wisdom of Salzburg says:

(The last word is 'wine' by the way...)

 
I spoke to my Mum, which is always really good, because I know she's there and she always has really good advice, no matter what. I now feel really bad because for the last however long, I've just been so upset and repetitive on the phone. She keeps reminding me to rely on the people over here, because there's nothing she can PHYSICALLY do. And the support people over here have been really great. So I think I've been wearing her and my whole family out a little, because they've only been hearing mostly about the miserable stuff. Actually, that goes for most people. But my life's not all bad. Next thing was, I spoke to Alex!!! YAAAAAAAY! This was seriously awesome. It was just really nice. I had a big ol' complain, but she was so lovely and patient, and wise and wonderful. She sends me an email everyday, and is just the best. Thanks Alex :) As she said in one of her emails:
"Emails are great, but until I actually hear you I can't really tell how you're feeling, and of course I still don't know exactly how you're feeling because I'm not you, but talking really helps." 
It did make me feel a lot better, and made me realise more than ever (I realise this point over and over and over again, it's getting a little repetitive...) that no matter how far away I am from all of everyone I know, they're still only an email/phone call/facebook/whatever away.

View from an Alp (see below...)

Yesterday, my host mum and dad took me into Salzburg again. I've been to Salzburg a few times since living here. Salzburg is surrounded by Alps, which I knew, but I really saw that yesterday. The really cool part about this is that you can walk around the rim of the city on a really high level, and see everything from above. It's the most spectacular thing. I was really, really miserable at first, but glad that we were out of the house. Basically: Salzburg is the most amazing city in the world. I will own a house or a pokey little flat or SOMETHING there someday. And I will be very poor. But I will be happy. Because it is the absolutely most delightful city in the world. Really. It's magical. So no matter where I end up next, I can be happy with the fact that I'll go back some day. Because I will.

But seriously. Beautiful? I THINK SO.

Along my wander, other than taking a lot of photos, I realised something I've always knoooooooooooown (I STILL CALL AUSTRALIA HOME). Well, yes, but really, I felt ok and I realised that you and your thoughts are what makes something beautiful. Beauty lies in everything, but it's your mood which distinguishes it. Something else I realised is that none of this will last forever. I know I need to make the best of every opportunity, but that's felt like it's been impossible to do for the last month. I really hope I can make this realisation stay with me because sometimes my thoughts just run away. I am really lucky and blessed in so, so many ways. I've known this all along, and it's a difficult thing for me to face sometimes because I've been so self-absorbed and selfish and miserable. When really I should just remember my old self, and let come what may. I love Austria. I really do. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen, and no matter where you go, there's always some little delight.

So, things are looking up!

I'm bringing this post to an end soonish, but before I do, I'm going to get to the title: Steer.
My new friend Lisa has been so inspiring and encouraging to me, and is so convinced that I can do this that I'm almost starting to believe it myself. She posted a video to me on facebook the other day of the song "Steer" by Missy Higgins. I'd already been listening to this song, but having her post it to me too, really felt special because it's just another thing we have in common! Here are the lyrics:

Feel it falling off like clothing
Taste it rolling on your tongue
See the lights above you glowing
Oh and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been pulling at the strings playing puppeteer for kings
And you've had enough

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

So hold this feeling like a newborn
Of freedom surging through your veins
You have opened up a new door
So bring on the wind, fire and rain

It was always simple, not hidden hard
You've been played at a game called remembering your name
And you stuffed it up

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer

'Cos you've been listening for answers
But the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

But the search ends here
Where the night is totally clear
And your heart is fierce
So now you finally know that you control where you go
You can steer
Year get out of the box and step into the clear
'Cos now you finally know you can steer

I've really taken these lyrics to heart. It's all up to me to make the most of all of my opportunites and circumstances, and to make this year what I can, and so we'll see where that takes me! I'll leave you with my last and favourite picture of Salzburg. I know I'm lucky. I feel pretty good at the moment. So see, I'm not all doom and gloom and "Australia's the best." Australia will still be there, Austria will still be here, and I will be where ever I take myself.

(Click to make it bigger! You have to see it bigger!)

As the Austrian's would say... bussi!

P.S. I JUST REALISED I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 50 DAYS. I feel that is some kind of achievement, whichever way you want to look at it :D

Being Orientated...

I have so many other things to write about which happened before this weekend, but I think at the moment it's really important for me to write all this down. Be prepared for a very long post! This last weekend - from Friday night 18/2 till Sunday arvo 20/2, I went to a YFU orientation seminar in Micheldorf, Upper Austria. So I caught the train from Salzburg to Linz about 2pm on Friday, then in Linz I met up with Jess - one of the other Aussie exchange students, and we rode to Micheldorf together, arriving at the train station about 4.45.

I was in a compartment (LIKE IN HARRY POTTER!) by myself from Salzburg to Linz, until this guy came along with a mate of his. They were pretty amusing, but got frustrating because they started playing their German hip-hop and were being very loud. This guy was playing doodle jump on his phone though, which amused me!

In Micheldorf we met the other two Aussie exchange students - Katherine and Brandon, the four Austrian returnees who had come back from exchange 6 weeks ago, and a couple of the 'orientation coordinators', who are all pretty young, and went on exchange a few years ago.

We chucked our bags in the car, then all walked for about an hour up a lovely hill. Slash Alp. While it was snowing. It was actually quite nice, but exhausting. I hadn't realised how much I miss going for long walks, with a purpose - rather than just wandering around villages... So I actually didn't mind. Our destination was ... Burg Altpernstein! Burg Altperstein is a really awesome old castle where our orientation was held. Which, you know, parts of are from the 1300s... It's been totally renovated in the inside, and is now used for orientations and the such, but mostly as a Catholic youth centre kind of thing... So we rushed in and went straight to dinner, which was garlic soup, something unidentifiable but delicious, and salads. Then we went up many, many steps and sat around talking and generally meeting each other. Lisa (one of the leaders - more on her later :P ) brought a guitar, so there was a bit of singing, which was good, but... They started playing 'Take Me Home, Country Roads', and I just had to get up and leave. I just started crying and crying. That song really means a lot to me, and my family, but I can't explain.

The Saturday was really great. I didn't sleep very well at all on Friday night (ever since I moved to Salzburg, I wake up a few times each night. It's really draining.) so I was really tired, but it was ok. After brekkie, we split up into two groups - the inbounds and the rebounds - to talk about stuff. The first thing we did was get into pairs and write down 5 facts about each other in German, and then read them out to the group. Then we each drew an 'Energie Kuchen' or an 'energy pie chart', splitting up our days into what took up all our energy. So things like sleeping, school, walking, family, friends, hobbies, computer etc. Then we had to do one with the same kind of idea, except for from when we were in Australia. It was really interesting to see the difference, and I would suggest to other exchange students to do this! I slept a LOT less in Australia, but was always less tired. I spent a large majority of time playing music, dancing, going out with friends and things in Australia, but now I hardly do ANY music, have gone to salsa once, and have basically no friends. It's a huge difference, and really makes you see where the problems lie. The next thing we did was a little 'mood graph', where we graphed our moods from since before we left Australia, then up to the current point. I was amazed at how SUPER up and down it was. Australia was like 'WOOOOOHHHH' way up there. And then the flight was way down the bottom. Then I arrived and was excited, so it went up to halfway. And then I collapsed and it went down again... I went to school and had my final days in Vienna and it climbed! Then I became really homesick and culture shocked, and it hit rock bottom. No wonder I'm so tired. No one can deal with such a rollercoaster ride of emotions. It's so hard to handle.

We had a little lunch, and admired the castle and the view a little bit after that:

View out one of the castle windows. AMAZING, oder? We walked up that hill...

This is Winter. Don't complain about being cold in Australia!

So I do feel pretty lucky for being able to see these things. It's a beautiful country - but I can only really see it when I'm happy!

In the next session we had write down all our problems and difficulties and differences on individual little pieces of paper. We then took it in turns (often in a very messed up order!) to read out one of our pieces, explaining it, and occasionally discussing it. It didn't matter how small or ridiculous it was - they were all there! I wrote everyone's down on my own piece of paper for my own reference - and they were:

• Toilets - most of the toilets here have a kind of shelf, instead of going straight into the water... It was a little weird at first, but doesn't really bother me... :P
• Jesus and Maria are EVERYWHERE! Seriously. You'll be walking along, minding your own business, when suddenly - there's Jesus, chilling on a cross! Or Maria, praying in a cage... It's kind of cool, but was hard to get used to at first!
• Feeling stupid in school
• Drinking milk - I drink A LOT of milk in Australia... and not so much here :(
• Shop trading hours - no shops are open on Sunday, bank times are inconvenient, and a lot of the small shops close for an hour around lunch.
• Pressure on appearances and weight - it's a lot bigger in Europe...
• Really salty food, strong flavours, lots of meat and TONS of butter. I'm surprised not everyone's dying of high cholesterol here...
• Maturity levels and how different they are, and how much they can vary. Most people seem to be a lot older than their Aussie counterparts
• Same goes for age, really...
• Various host family problems...
• Misconceptions about Australia (but I just find these hilarious) - I will do more on this some other time...
• Making friends
• Having nothing to say or talk about - lack of communication and expressing yourself!
• Dialects! Drivin' me a'crazy! And Austrian slang under these...
• Meal times! They're super strict. Breakfast not so much, but no matter what time you end up having breakfast (even if it's at 10), lunch is at 12. Dinner is at 7. Everywhere. Too much organisation!
• Bluntness and openness about personal issues/whatever. They don't care about their bodies (well, they do) but they'll happily strip in the change rooms like nothings different, carrying on conversations. Or talk and ask about your weight. It's rather blunt...!
• Language... so many things...
• Understanding and miscommunication
• Trying to balance on the line of doing lots of things, but still being able to sit in your room, relax and do nothing.
• HUGS. This is a HUGE issue for all us students. Austrians just don't hug. They like to talk about their feelings, but not express them physically. I never realised it was such a huge difference, but I've spoken about my feelings more here than ever before. In Australia, you just have a big, long, understanding hug, and it's ok. And I really miss that. 
• Radio: On: All the time. And everyone knows all the songs. I can now say I know all the words to 'Barbra Streisand'. Oh wait... But they play everything from the latest, dreadful pop songs, to the golden oldies like Dire Straights...
• Having the motivation to learn German. It's hard. You spend a whole day surrounded by it, that by the time you get home, you just don't want to learn any more...
• Having the patience to get along with a lot of different people
• Smoking and drinking. There's a lot of it. Especially smoking. Everywhere.
• The Austrian rubbish system. I really don't understand what's so confusing about it, but everyone else thought it was...
• The difficulties of catching public transport when you have NO idea where you're going or how to speak German. Fun!
• Waking up so damned early for school! In the dark! Grr.
• Still feeling like such a tourist and feeling ashamed about it. Yup.

So it's a very long list. But it was great to get it out, and talk all the problems through with people who could totally empathise. That evening, we had a 'free' evening to bond, have fun, chat, sing, go for a walk and do nothing. The walk was amazing, in the snow, in the dark. And we built some snowmen! (Sally... :D)

Me looking a little scary, building my snowman :)

SNOWMEN! Mine's the one in the middle. I didn't have time to find a mouth :( I was too busy making perfect spheres!

 I am in love with these Austrians:

I spent a lot of the evening talking to a 17-year-old girl called Lisa, who is from Austria and went to Australia for exchange two years ago. She is one of the most (and absolutely) inspiring people I've ever met. She's so Aussie now, that I almost forgot she was Austrian! She told me about a lot of her experiences and about a lot of troubles which she had. I felt like she really, really understood what I was going through and talking about, because she'd actually been to Australia and knows the huge differences there can be. She spoke about understanding. She said the first few weeks were awesome, but for about 3 months afterwards she hit rock bottom, then of course it went up because it couldn't go anywhere else. Of course there were still ups and downs, but it was overall an upward curve. She said the first 6 months are work. They really are. They're harder than any job you'll ever do in your whole entire life. And they can really, really suck. It's hard. "It's really shit, bloody hard!" But the last 6 months are awesome. She said people won't come to you, and you need to throw yourself in there. She really understood some of the HUGE differences - how laid back and outgoing Aussies are, the huge change in school and subjects, the way boys hang out with girls in Australia, the love of sport. It was hard hearing it all. It kind of made me more homesick. But I just can't wait to get back. Australia's the best!

No matter how alone I feel, now more than ever before, I'm not. I have the support of people who are here and understand - which makes all the difference. EVERYONE believes in me. They're ALL sure I can get through, even people I've only known for 2 days. I'm honestly amazed they can still see that strength in me, because I've kind of lost sight of it. I need to find it again.

In the end. This was the best time I've had since my farewell party in Australia on the 3rd of Jan. I didn't want to go home. It was great being with people I could REALLY talk to, and reminded me of the old days of school camps in Oz. It was just so much fun, and I miss it all. I know my exchange needs to continue though...

Bis Später...

F.R.O.G.

I've been having a very interesting time of late. Well. Not interesting as such, but I have been doing a lot of thinking (far more than is healthy), and growing a lot as a person. There is no denying the growing, no matter how miserable it is making me. But growing can be a good thing. 

I'd really like to dedicate this blog post to God. Truly. Some of you may or may not know that I'm a Christian. I've never really lived up to this title, and for that I am ashamed, because being a Christian, I should be proud of my beliefs, religion and love for God. So really - this post won't have all that much to do with my exchange, but is more self-indulgent :) Feel free to read - or not! 

So, as most of you are probably aware, the last 2 weeks have been immensely difficult. My last post would have shown you just how much, but I only decided to post it along with a happier one, because otherwise everyone would be immensely worried. So here's to them: Don't be! It's been two weeks since I wrote that, and things are very slowly getting a little better. Some days I don't even cry at all! And seriously, I have been getting better. Since I came to Salzburg, I have started reading my bible and a book called Devotions for the Soul Surfer, by Bethany Hamilton. To cut a long story short - I should have done this long ago. The Bible is so full of wisdom and insight, and Devotions for the Soul Surfer is in a way even more so, because it is... 'translated' into a language that I really understand. I have learnt so much from reading these, and have calmed down a lot - also with the prayers and support of everyone back home. This is my favourite passage so far:

Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)    

 ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

This passage is very similar (i.e. almost exactly the same) to Luke 12:22-34 but it was much of a muchness which I decided to put in here. So yes. I don't need to worry (even though I do. All the time.) and I should just leave all my worries to God. Which is where the title comes in really: I've needed to remind myself of this, so I've been writing F.R.O.G. on my hand - which stands for Fully Rely On God. It works :) 

Now, I know I've made religion the only topic of this post, but really I wanted to reassure people that I'm ok, even if I'm still desperately homesick. Life isn't all that bad, and I know that I'm an INCREDIBLY lucky girl and have had so many experiences and opportunities some can't even dream of. I promise I'll be writing more soon, and I'll try to keep it positive. 

To all my friends and family, and of course, God: Thank you so much for being here when I really need you the most. I have never felt so alone, or so loved, in my entire life. It means the world to have all your support, love and prayers, and you help me grow stronger each day. I know I couldn't do this without you. I have so much more to write about, but we'll leave that for another day. 

Peace out! 

One Month

So, it's been 4 WHOLE WEEKS today, since I left/arrived in Austria. And I can't decide if they've been the longest or shortest four weeks of my WHOLE ENTRIE LIFE. One thing's for sure, they have definitely been some of the elating and depressing weeks of my like. Example:

As we see here, I have a lovely diagram. And, to put it bluntly, I am in a very low phase. My honeymoon has finished, and I can't see how I can last this year. HOMESICKNESS AND CULTURE SHOCK. This is the worst feeling ever, and I have been doing a lot of research, trying to figure out ways to stop myself crying every single day.

First of all I would like to say that the first couple of weeks weren't all honeymoon either. As you (probably) all know, I lived in Vienna for the first 3 weeks of my exchange with a 'temporary' host family. It was completely different to anything I had ever experienced. I was suddenly thrown into this family, gaining 3 very young siblings, with no idea of how to deal with them, no idea of what I could and couldn't do, and no way of telling them that something was MINE and I didn't really want it in their mouth. I couldn't tell them to be careful, or that I was tired and didn't want to play football, and various things like this. Of course, it was also a very difficult first week due to my visit to hospital, having to start school later, and spend a lot of time at home. This way though, I got to know my family a lot faster and understand the general routines of the days. I did have trouble being patient at times - I was fine in front of the family most of the time, but would break down alone in my room. Lost, confused, tired, overwhelmed, and grieving for the family and friends I left behind.  I became very attached to my iPod, which my incredible friends gave me and I would not be able to live without -  because of the music, which has been helping heaps (especially from Alex - you rock!!). I was lucky that I could easily contact my family anytime via the internet. And you know what I realised? After ringing home on Wednesday the 12th, the next time I rang was only the NEXT Wednesday - a whole week later! So I settled in really quite quickly in a way (although it still took some time) and became comfortable.

On the 25th of January, I found out I would be moving host families. I wasn't really at all sure how I felt about this, and it was, and still is, a really difficult period. In some ways, I was so excited. I would be moving to Salzburg! That was perfect!! Salzburg was much more the Austria that I was wanting to experience! My new host family consists of an 18 year old girl - Steffi, 20 year old Sebastian, who has actually moved out with his girlfriend, and Eveline and Manfred, the mum and dad. I was kind of excited that I would be getting a new sister my age, but then at the same time so scared. I didn't know what any of the family would be like! I was so used to now living with these young kids in this routine which I had already learnt and understood, and I had actually started to enjoy myself! I was getting used to everything, and had started to understand more German, understand the area I was in, and understand all the possibilities that waited for me in Vienna! I had tentatively put down roots, giving myself a new family and home.

Then, I was pulled up by these roots and thrown a few hundred kilometres away and had to re-take my bearings. It's been really hard. I do quite like my new family, but have had some problems with them - communication issues, things I'm not used to, and just a HUGE change. Things I guess you wouldn't notice if you were just over at a friend's house - but it's all about the little things and family dynamics. The family dynamics are very different - having two adult siblings is an immense change to having three under 10. The area is beautiful, but I just can't appreciate it as much as I would like to, because I am so immensely unhappy. There are gorgeous little towns, alps, we have our own lake , I live close to some small shops - in Hagenbrunn the closest shops were another town over - but I just don’t feel right. I'm having culture shock all over again, and I actually miss my old family. 

So I'm at a loss of what to do. This fortnight has been the longest  of my life. I have cried every day. I am grieving for everything I left behind in Australia, especially my family. All I can think of is all the things I’ll be missing out on.  I’ll miss everyone’s birthdays, my own 18^TH with my beloved twin…  all kinds of things I took so much for granted. There are so many thoughts going around in my head which I don’t know how to deal with, so many possibilities and experiences waiting for me, which I just don’t know how to approach.

Everyone always tells you how worthwhile and brilliant exchange is, but no one ever says it will also be one of the (if not THE) hardest thing you will EVER do in your ENTIRE life.

So solutions: I have found many, many websites for exchange students – blogs, forums, question and advice sites, you name it. The best thing I’ve found so far is this I think.

I know I’m not alone, in so many ways. Being away will make being home so, so, so much sweeter and I will appreciate everything so much more than ever. I know I will always have my family and friends at home, and the things that I’m missing will repeat themselves, if not in a different way at a different time. As the above forum shows, the first month or so is often the WORST for many many exchange students.  In a way, I’m getting a far more ‘Austrian’ experience now because I am staying with an actual Austrian family, with a very strong (and difficult to understand) dialect, and have been doing Austrian things. I have had more ‘experiences’ (stereotypical ones at that) this week than I did in Vienna in some ways. I went to a [VERY smoky and loud] bar with Steffi and a couple of her friends, I had afternoon tea in a little alpine hut, then went tobogganing – which has all been fun. I know this overall exchange experience is what I make it.

In Vienna I felt more a part of the family. I could help. I could play with the kids. I was included in going to the supermarket. No, the family didn’t have as much time for me or as much flexibility because of the kids, but I realised I love family life - that kind of family life - and I miss it. I had a different kind of independence. However I LOVE the area I’m in at the moment – next to Salzburg, the scenery is amazing, school is better than in Vienna, there’s lots of opportunities….I guess I just need time to find connections and hopefully, eventually, feel less homesick.

(Please note - this was written on the 05/02/2011, but I only decided to post it now with something a little more positive.)