Unwanted

My (few but) lovely readers!

It's been a long time since I wrote, and I'm more than aware of that! A lot of you probably already know a lot of what I've been doing, but I really do still want to keep up my blog. I'll get to that a little later though. First I'll give you the most recent and biggest news.

One of the hardest things to face in life is rejection.

Being told you're not wanted anymore.

This is a totally normal part of life. It happens every day.

But when you're 16,000km from home, family and friends, and the people your relying on to somewhat replace them, tell you that it's simply not working and they don't want you anymore... It means something completely different.

Especially when you then have to spend the next 8 hours or so driving "home" across Europe in what is bound to be terribly awkward silence/pretending to sleep.

This was something I wrote in a draft for a blog post on Monday the 15th August.

Let me give a small explanation. My wonderful brother Tim finally came to Austria at the very beginning of July - and the Summer holidays! We had a wonderful and interesting two weeks together, and it really made me realise how much I've learnt and changed over here, and how much stronger I've become. His girlfriend Anna then joined us for a few days, which were spent wonderfully and amusingly together in Vienna. I might elaborate on that some other time. The rest of the holidays I mostly spent in Germany travelling with the two of them to relatives and friends - most of whom I had never met. I was really lucky to be able to travel and see them (something the organisation normally doesn't allow) and I'm so happy I got to learn more about my past! All up we spent around three weeks travelling - in Seligenstadt (near Frankfurt, where we also spent a day), Dresden, and then a few days in Berlin. I adore Germany and am so proud to be a part of the country. 

We departed our ways, Tim flying to London for his Topdeck tour and Anna to Brussels to (again) reunite with her friends. After spending a few more days in Dresden, I travelled back up to Magdeburg to stay with my host grandparents and family for a few days. By the end of such a crazy month and a half of holidays, I was ready to get back to Vienna, my home, and have a few weeks of silence before school started. However, on that Monday (15th), the day I came back from Germany with my host parents, my host mum told me that they weren’t willing to host me anymore. To be totally honest, it was an immense surprise. There had been a number of problems throughout my time staying here - misunderstandings and things I will elaborate on momentarily, and a couple of bigger things.

So that's where that first paragraph comes in. Nine (host mum) could definitely have chosen better timing - but! Such is life.

So, I was very distressed and felt very unsupported. My counsellor in the organisation (who didn't do anything in the first place) had left the country, so I had no one to ring, and couldn't ring the office because it was a public holiday.  8 hours in a car. Not fun.

Over the next week, the exchange organisation and I spoke with my host family, who decided they were actually willing to continue hosting me, but on numerous conditions (which were mostly pretty reasonable).

I had a decision to make. What would I do? Stay with this host family after all, after being battered with all the things I'd done wrong? Go to yet another new family and start all over again, just for another couple of months - by the end of which I would have only just gotten comfortable - and then have to leave anyway? Or should I go straight home? Should I travel around a little? Should I move to Germany with my sister's old host family? Should I get I job somewhere here?

To be honest I was totally exhausted. It was a huge and horrible decision to have to make and at points I just wanted to put a hose in my ear and wash out all the thoughts. After talking with numerous family members (host and real), the organisation, and a couple of friends, I decided to go off program and come home in a couple of weeks. There are many many reasons, but the funny thing is, I'm not even that homesick anymore. Yes I miss home, but I know that I could stay here and manage. I really love my host family here A LOT, but I think it's just too hard for them to host a student anymore, and they have enough troubles of there own - as do I. Every hour I changed my mind. I don't know that I can go into many more details here though. I knew that whichever option I decided to chose, I would probably regret at some point because that's just the person I am, and I have far too many thoughts.

All I really wanted was to be happy again, because it's been such a tough year so far, but also an unbelievably AMAZING one. I have learnt more than I ever thought possible and I feel inspired and in awe with the world (once more :P )

I've had a lot of feelings and emotions this year. I've been through a lot, but I've learnt so much. In some ways I am ashamed of myself, because I had thought I would do so much "better", but I need to be proud of the things I've done. One of the things my host mum said was "You can't change the past, but you can use it to change the future." It was so much of a surprise coming here to Austria, which felt kind of strange because I'd been planning to come for so long. Since my sister Claire went on exchange 4 years ago, I knew that was what I wanted to do but I'd slowly built up expectations which I hadn't even realised were there. I've changed a lot since the first time I even THOUGHT about going on exchange, and I think had I gone a few years earlier it may have gone more smoothly, but I don't think I would have learnt as much.

One of the things that Nine mentioned I had a problem with, was that I was like a shadow, trying not to get in anyone's way. I can see exactly where she's coming from now, because a lot of the time, that's really what I was. I said that I'd never thought of myself, I'd never BEEN, that person before I came here, and I was sure she'd seen glimpses of the "normal me" (which she agreed she had). I just had so much trouble trying to live two lives and try and satisfy basically everyone but myself that I forgot to BE myself. It was hard to try and be "the real me" when I felt that everything that I comprised of I'd left on the other side of the world. I know that this really isn't the case, and in some ways I'm disappointed in the way that things turned out - that I haven't "finished" my exchange year and that I could have done so much "better". It was nothing at all as to what I expected. But I have to say - I think it was so much better. Geez it was harder than a diamond, but I think it was one in itself.

Yesterday I had a really long conversation with Nine (as in - about 4 hours). I gave her some of myself which I just felt like I haven't given before now, and had I been willing to earlier, than maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way (but I think it needed to). We talked about lots of things - I was the one mostly talking (about myself) - about every aspect of my exchange, about how I felt, about coming here, about expectations and disappointments and my way to reacting to everything, about my childhood and my different states of mind that I put myself into (i.e. DON'T BE SELF-PITYFUL - there are a lot of people who love me, and I know it. And also caring too much about what others think), and where that all originates from. It was really interesting and enjoyable, and I'm so happy that I'll be able to leave on a positive note.
 

I'm sure you guys'll understand. I know that my decision might be a surprise to some and not at all to others, but I just want to say:

Instead of looking back and wishing I could go back in time to be back with my host families, I want to find a different way for them to fit in with my life now, and in the future. The eight months I've spent here have been amazing. It was nothing I expected it to be, and everything I needed it to be. I know a lot of exchange students who have said they would go back and relive it all if they just had the chance - that it's the hardest thing ever to leave again. It's hard admitting through so much... pressure in a way - to have a good time and love every minute - to say that it wasn't always the best and I am looking forward to going home. I've done amazing things, met amazing people and - there was a great quote I found earlier in the year, which is:

I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. - James Baldwin

And I believe it's true. But just because I'm going home doesn't mean I'm finished. I’m going to use everything about this year to help me to continue growing and changing as a person. Austria and Germany will always a part of me. It's in my blood! Being an exchange student is an amazing thing. But if you’ve followed my blog throughout this year, you know it’s not always easy. I have been challenged, angry, hurt, annoyed, in so many situations. But I can safely say, it’s a million percent worth it. 

I still want to share the experiences I had here with you. So maybe someday soon I'll come back here and tell you some stories. But for now, I'm so excited about what the future will bring.

Tim, Anna and I in Frankfurt

Anna, Tim and I in front of the Berlin Wall. Amazing. It will happen again some day.

Re-Entry And Reflections

As I said in my last post, I spent last weekend at my 'half-way' seminar for exchange. I was thinking about writing a nitty-gritty re-cap of the whole weekend, but I decided that wouldn't necessarily be the best way to look over it and it probably wouldn't be all that enthralling for the majority of people reading it!

So I want to talk about the highlights and my feelings about it all and reflect over the weekend and the past few months I've been here.

Arriving at the station in Micheldorf, we were faced with a hike up the mountain to the beautiful castle Burg Altpernstein. It was a really cloudy day, but the castle floating in the clouds looked so romantic! It's a pretty strenuous walk but like last time it was beautiful, plus the hour gives us a wonderful chance to talk with the other students and see some of the country side.

An amazing sunset from the castle looking over the valley...

Our home for the weekend! Burg Altpernstein

A bit more of the castle

Over the weekend, I was lucky enough to meet the rest of the exchange students here in Austria from my organisation. It was wonderful to become friends with them and get to know each of them a little better, but also to strengthen the friendships I already had. The connection that exchange students have with each other is literally beyond words. I can't describe it. Thrown together from all corners of the world all speaking different languages, you have this ginormous part of your lives in common with each other. For me, the feeling of connection I have with some of these people is stronger than the connection I feel with some of the people back home, whom I have known for years. Being in this group, you know what is going through the hearts and minds of these people. You know the hardships, the joys, the huge mountains which feel like you'll never be able to slowly climb over. And they'll always be there to lend an ear, a shoulder, a hug. Some of these people I would probably have never had become friends with if we'd met in a "normal" situation. Sometimes they can be frustrating. Sometimes you want to hit your head against the wall from the things that they say or do. But other times it's like you have this magical connection. They know when words just aren't enough and you just need a hug. They know that if you want to do something, there's no point in being scared doing it, because the worst thing that can happen isn't actually of any consequence. Running down hills crazily. Talking to people in another language. Asking questions. Proudly acting like a kid. Living life to the fullest.

Awesome new friends!

Because that's what life (and Austria) is for!

One of my favourite things of the weekend was realising the power of language. I know I mentioned something like that briefly in my Croatia blog post, but it really hit so much more over this weekend. There were students represented from the following countries:

• Australia - 3
• America - 1
• Estonia - 2
• Finland - 2
• Mexico - 1
• Brazil - 1
• Moldova - 2
• Sweden - 1
• Japan - 2
• Switzerland - 1
• Belgium - 1
• Norway - 1
• Thailand - 1
• (And of course Austria) - Many!

And our one main language in common was (and is) German. For some reason everyone could speak English as well (seems like the whole world can - almost literally...) but the best way to communicate with each other was German. And what an amazing feeling. I now have friends who have come from all over the world, and being able to communicate with them through a language, which isn’t our own, is just unbelievable. The longer I am here the more I realise the immense power that language has on the world and communication, and the more excited I am about learning.

Because it was a re-entry seminar for the majority of the exchange students, that was the topic we focused on the whole weekend. Each day we were rotated into separate groups to talk, and complete different activities. We asked and answered questions, we wrote down thoughts and beliefs, we learnt how to keep going. In one of the first groups we each had to write down 10 things we want to take with us from this year in our imaginary suitcase. Then we got into pairs and had to narrow it down to 10 together, then 5, then 10 as a whole group. My 10 things were:

1. Language
2. Friendships
3. Independence
4. Positivity
5. Memories and Stories
6. Music
7. Confidence
8. Understanding
9. Patience
10. God

It was interesting to see the things other people came up with, and our final list consisted of Relationships, Culture, Language, Experiences and Self Development. In another group we had to draw a river of our year (although, only 5 months for us Aussies). Rocks were struggles, maybe there was a dam, maybe the rocks were bigger at some points and smaller at others. Maybe there was rain, but then came beautiful flowers, trees and like a fish in water, we would keep swimming. We compared ourselves with how we were at the beginning, to how we are now and how our attitudes and tastes have changed. It was things as simple as our favourite foods and drinks, way to dress, music, subjects, hobbies, down to how we interact with our family(/ies), who the people who most inspire us are, those who's opinions we value the most and our "life philosophy". And we learnt how to say thank you to all our families and friends, and places we have come to know. Of course I'm not saying goodbye quite yet, but it really opened my eyes as to what this year is all about, and how I can make the next however many months really work for me.

Words can't describe... One of the castle terraces.

A lot of the weekend wasn't spent in complete seriousness and we had quite a lot of free time together, which was so much fun. I had the strangest feeling at some points. I remembered what it was like to have friends. Before you scorn - read. A lot of you probably know that it's been difficult for me to make friends and that I often feel lonely. Well lately I've just come to accept that feeling and it's not as hard for me to be away from everyone and spend so much time on my own. But this weekend I was able to be myself, feeling like I didn't have to impress anyone - that I could be sad if I wanted, or as mad as a hatter. Admittedly I chose the latter, and I felt like myself for one of the first times this year. It was a nice feeling.

Another roaring sunset

Free time was spent talking, playing crazy 'drama' games - as well as chess, cards, table tennis and soccer, basketball (... the ball may or may not have been thrown over the cliff...), listening to music, playing guitar, singing, dancing, and on Friday I went for a wonderful walk with Molly in the woods. It was awesome to have someone with talk to about anything we wanted, and I think she's a really special person :) It was a BEAUTIFUL walk and the area is absolutely amazing. The woods are so beautiful, and we even stumbled across WILD STRAWBERRIES (they don't exist in Australia!), lots of snails, and a snake (but we don't know if it was actually a snake... that was just while we were poking round in the strawberries, so we left it alone). Awesome.

Just casually playing basketball in a castle courtyard

Hut in the woods; proudly adorned with an Austrian flag (aka a trail marker)

WILD STRAWBERRIES!!

I never thought I would have the chance to see something so beautiful.

"It's 2am here now. DEFINITELY sleep time. But I wish I could stay here with these people forever. I'm in a castle. In the middle of Austria. The moonlight's washing in through the windows and I can hear a bunch of the kids still downstairs screaming with laughter. Life is so beautiful."

Me on the terrace - long live living!

Five And A Video

It's been a crazy hectic few weeks and it's getting harder and harder to find the time and motivation to write blog posts up! I know they don't need to be as comprehensive as I make them, but that's just me. I don't feel like I've done anything particularly note-worthy since I last wrote except for these three things:

1. I went with Nine to Krems to check out a potential host family for one of the inbound students coming in December. The son of the family (16) is going to Canada on exchange later this year and it was fascinating for me to see the excitement of the whole family. In so many ways I just wanted to say "YES! You'll have an amazing time, but it's not all perfect, it's the hardest thing you'll ever do! Lose all your expectations!!" and it made me realise how far I've already come. More on that in a bit. It was really interesting for me to see the process of how host familys are 'scanned' though, and the total excitement felt by them.
2. I had the Spring Concert with my Musikkapelle on the Sunday 29th of May which was an incredible experience but very overwhelming at the same time. I WILL write more about Musikkapelle soon!
3. From 2nd June - 4th June I had my HALF WAY SEMINAR with all the other exchange students (for whom it was the Re-Entry Seminar) in Austria from my organisation, even though it's not quite half a year. The five month mark is today - 150 days exactly and I'm actually rather amazed! I've been through so much and I can't decide if it's past ridiculously fast or slow.

I was planning to write one of my hugely long, usual posts, but one of my new best friends Molly made a video which just sums up how I feel right now. She's the exchange student from America who came in August last year, and is leaving soon. So all I can do is put that here because it's the best way to describe how I'm feeling.

P.S. I may have been a little crazy on the weekend. Yes I laugh at snail sex and dance like an idiot. :D

Eighteen

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

To me! Two weeks ago it was my 18th birthday. To be honest I had been dreading this day as well as the Easter long weekend, basically the whole time I've been here. I mean - my 18th birthday! You only turn 18 once... I was also dreading the fact that I would have to spend it away from my twin brother. This year has been hard enough already without him and having a birthday (let alone a 'big' one) just seemed impossible... But, I actually had a wonderfully pleasant surprise and had a really lovely day - probably one of the best I've had here yet! I will start at the very beginning though, because I had a few celebratory days. The first letters started arriving a week before my birthday, and letters are the best. There's something completely wonderful about receiving things in the mail. Knowing that the person you're corresponding with was the last person to touch what's inside that mysterious envelope. Well, that's how I find it at least :) 

On Friday the 15th of April I had band as usual. It was one of the other member's birthday as well, and so a whole heap of us went to a local Heuriger (like a little traditional wine-tavern: they're EVERYWHERE in my area) and had a couple of drinks and nibblies. It was lovely to celebrate his birthday and mine as well (early!) and I ended up getting home about 12 - REALLY LATE. I get so tired here, so it was difficult and a really long day. It was nice to be out with people though.

On Monday (18th) Spring holidays started (YAAAAAAAAAY), and I caught up with the other 2 Aussie exchange students for a wonderful day in Vienna. Katherine was staying over at Jess's house for a few days, so I met up with them and it was just so wonderful to see them and to be able to talk to people and just have some good Aussie fun and company. We met on Mariahilfe Straße which is the main (or most well-known) shopping street in Vienna and has quite a nice variety of shops. We each bought some new clothes for ourselves (because you can't bring enough clothes in your suitcase to last a year!), wandered slowly, had lunch and gelatos and went to 'Thaila' the big international bookshop. AKA my new best friend. It's SUCH a good bookshop and has a huge English section, as well as a really comprehensive German section. We probably spent about an hour in there reading and it was just nice to sit down with a book with friends in companionable silence. From there we moved on to the highlight of my day: the Aussie pub in Vienna!!

We walked in, and everything's decorated with Aussie road signs and things and of course lots of beer signs. Especially for Fosters which for some reason everyone thinks we drink, but no one actually does... Here's the website if you want to check out more about it! Anyway. We went downstairs and sat at a table, generally admiring the Aussieness of it all and being bubbly and happy. Because I was the birthday girl, Jess and Katherine really kindly bought me my drinks and dinner which made me feel very special and happy! Everything was pretty overpriced and the waiters were all American or British, but we had a lot of fun and were very loud and raucous nonetheless. 

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Jess's kangaroo burger! Yay for good Aussie burgers, but ESPECIALLY the chips!

Jess, me and Katherine digging into my birthday cake :)

We ordered one slice of "Grandma's Mud Cake" because we were so stuffed after our burgers that we couldn't eat one each! The waitress brought it out with a FIREWORK CANDLE (it literally said that on it!) which was shooting flames everywhere, and was honestly the best birthday candle I've ever seen. Jess and Katherine sang happy birthday to me VERY LOUDLY and then we dug in. It was lovely to have a loud, honest catch-up with some friends.

On Wednesday was my actual birthday.

I was woken up about 7.30am to my WHOLE host family opening the door and walking into my room singing happy birthday carrying a cake aflame with candles and with Georg toting the camera. It was a little overwhelming but so lovely! They made me blow out the candles then we all went down to have a lovely breakfast.

Super delicious cake with German, Aussie and Austrian flags on :)

On the small table in the kitchen was sitting all my cards and presents. From Omas and Opas, a huge parcel from my family, from friends and from my last host family. I was really overwhelmed then, and I wasn’t quite sure what to do first – breakfast or pressies! But Nine seemed pretty keen for me to open things. I started opening cards and just felt so sprinkled with love it was unbelievable. I was especially in awe and SO happy at the present my host family gave me – a ticket to the Ballet at the Viennese State Opera House, plus a pair of earrings, plus what we did for the rest of the day AND just hosting me in the first place. I feel so blessed to have such loving, kind and genorous people as a family here! After breakfast I skyped home and was lucky enough to speak to my whole family and wish Tim a happy birthday, for 1 hour 20 mins. It was amazingly wonderful and just reminded me again why I love them so much. I unpacked my big parcel over the phone, which included practical things like more Summer clothes, but also some really special things just for me :) Gotta love the amazing technologies we have these days!

While on the phone the door bell rang so I went down to get it. It was the post for me!! The post man had a HUGE bunch of flowers for me which I had to sign for. I was absolutely captivated. Who would be sending me flowers in Austria? I went inside and unwrapped them, and inside was a card from two of my BESTEST FRIENDS! It made me feel so so so loved! So I proudly showed my family over Skype. After hanging up, I went out with Nine and Freya for the day (Theo had kindergarten, Carl soccer camp and Georg work). We went to Schönbrunn Palace which is the former Imperial Summer Residence for the monarchy in Austria. It has over 1400 rooms (although we only looked in 40...) and it is completely over the top and AMAZING. It really made me want to become a conservator or historian more than ever and just blew me away with the depth of history and culture.

Grounds of Schönbrunn

Me on the stairs - just for a bit of perspective

The lines were reasonably long (although not too much so - we only had to wait half an hour) because it was an absolutely gorgeous Spring day and so there were a lot of tourists. We had a little time to wander around, and luckily enough there was an Easter market in the grounds of the castle. Every time I go out and see a bit more of Vienna I realise how much more there still IS to see and that there's a surprise waiting for you around every corner! I've always loved markets so I was really happy to be able to look around a traditional Austrian one. There were stalls selling all kinds of things, from traditional kids toys, pottery, hand-painted hand-blown eggs, dumplings, wood crafts, beeswax, and books.

One of the bright, colourful toy stores!

Beautiful hand-painted Austrian porcelain.

After the tour (which was mind-blowing) we had a yummy lunch bought from the market. I realised something which amused me - one of those little ways I've changed. I was sharing my food with Freya, just a fork-full here and there, and I suddenly thought how different I was. At the beginning of my exchange I would never have thought of doing that, but after so long it just came naturally - that's just the way it is! Then we did lots of walking through the palace gardens (which are GINORMOUS and beautiful).

Spring!!

Eventually we left to pick up Theo from kindergarten and Carl from soccer and I was feeling really happy about the day. We went home and ate my delicious cake outside in the garden in the beautiful Spring sunshine with a lovely cool breeze. I ended up lazing around outside for hours, eating, laying in the hammock, listening to music, sewing. That's what life's really about I think and it was nice having my birthday in Spring as oppose to the normal Autumn. Eventually Georg came home and we all got ready to go out for dinner.

Theo being a bit of a clown just outside the house before we left.

For dinner, at my request, we went to an Italian restaurant. There happens to be one just down the road so we walked there in the cool, dusky evening. The food was delicious and Nine and I reflected on our day with Georg and just talked about whatever. We left around 8.30 to go home which was pretty late for the kids. I raced Theo and Carl most of the way up the hill in high heels. It was good to find out I can still run in them but I was pretty stuffed! I love this family and I feel pretty happy most days when I'm with them. I just feel so comfortable and like we have just so much in common.

My table full of love. ♥ Cards and presents and FLOWERS(!!) galore :D 

So, I'm 18 now. Sometimes I feel different when I say that, but I'm sure that's just a mind thing. 18 used to be this huge incredible age. People who were 18 were adults; had maturity, responsibility, knowledge.  Sometimes my chest puffs up with the thought of myself being 18 but then I realise it's just an 'age' and doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean I'm not still a kid, that I don't still love and adore my parents and value their opinion above anything else. That I don't still get sad and cry and hug my teddy. That i don't run around hills in Austria singing "The Hills Are Alive With The Sound Of Music" at the top of my lungs. And it definitely doesn't mean I know what I'm doing with my life and what direction it will take next. In fact, I think you're more sure of what you want to be when you're "grown up" as a child than you do when you actually "grow up". (I know I used to want to be a butterfly. Then a dancer. Then, then, then...) I'm still a kid. And I'm ok with that.

Three Months of Thoughts

So it's been a little more than three months since I've been in Austria (101 days to be exact!) and it's been three months of thoughts. Tears, laughter, grief, ecstasy, excitement, confusion, depression. I've felt it all.

My whole life has changed. It's incredible to think how much can change in so little time. It's not just that I've moved to Vienna, but it's this whole stage of my life which is just a huge turning point. Even if I had stayed in Australia things would have been really different. Being here, I've often wondered to myself why I never heard more about people my age having these huge crises about finishing school, growing up, having to be responsible and make 'life decisions'. Surely I'm not the only one? No, I know I'm not the only one. Maybe it's just that you never think about it until you're really forced to face it for yourself. I don't know. It's that whole uncertainty of whether you're a kid or an adult, when really I feel like neither. Living away from home, doing this exchange, is kind of just like moving out. It's been confusing for me because my host siblings are so young, so I'm not a kid in that respect, but over here I've felt younger and more needy than I have in a very long time.

Anyway. It's been a difficult thing for me to realise that this life I've known and lived for the past 18 years - living with my family, going to school, seeing my friends every day, sharing that all with the same people - has in a way just all gone. Everyone said to me when I was worried about going on exchange and everything, worrying about things changing, that things will be the same when I get back. Nothing will have really changed. Canberra will still be the same old, boring place. I think in a lot of ways that's true and life will still go on, but the thing is I'VE changed. It's something I don't want to admit sometimes. And it's a scary thing. It's a scary thing to face each day with more new thoughts and realisations about the world - things that I would never have learnt other than by coming here. I have so much appreciation for all the things in my life. My incredible family - each and every one of them, my wonderful, dedicated friends, my amazing education. All the things I took so much for granted. And things I would NEVER, EVER think about. Being able to speak to people, talk to them and ask them anything I wanted. Knowing how to get to and from home everyday. Knowing my way around the city, who lived where, what was what. My whole view on everything in my life has changed.

Somedays I feel really impatient. I feel like I'm just in limbo, not really doing anything useful. Like I should be out saving the world, living the life. Going to uni or working or travelling. I get impatient because there are so many things to do and so little time. Then I feel impatient because there's too MUCH time and not enough to do. Sometimes I feel like I'll never be content, I'll never be happy with where I am or what I'm doing, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I stop trying then live in the moment, never wanting to do anything else and just loving my life as it is. And then I see something shiny in my thoughts and get distracted. It's funny - over here I've been told that I'm a very reflective person. People are impressed with some of the (rubbish) thoughts I come up with. And then I get told that I'm TOO reflective and that I'm thinking too much. I think this last part is definitely true. I spend the majority of my days thinking even when I'm doing other things. I guess I try and plan my life out in my head, constantly thinking up new scenarios of what might happen and when, and whether this or that is the right decision. And then I get frustrated when I just don't know the answer. I always thought life would be pretty clear, but it's not!

I guess this has been a bit of a rambling post. Sometimes you just need to get out all those thoughts from your head and wave them goodbye.