Unwanted

My (few but) lovely readers!

It's been a long time since I wrote, and I'm more than aware of that! A lot of you probably already know a lot of what I've been doing, but I really do still want to keep up my blog. I'll get to that a little later though. First I'll give you the most recent and biggest news.

One of the hardest things to face in life is rejection.

Being told you're not wanted anymore.

This is a totally normal part of life. It happens every day.

But when you're 16,000km from home, family and friends, and the people your relying on to somewhat replace them, tell you that it's simply not working and they don't want you anymore... It means something completely different.

Especially when you then have to spend the next 8 hours or so driving "home" across Europe in what is bound to be terribly awkward silence/pretending to sleep.

This was something I wrote in a draft for a blog post on Monday the 15th August.

Let me give a small explanation. My wonderful brother Tim finally came to Austria at the very beginning of July - and the Summer holidays! We had a wonderful and interesting two weeks together, and it really made me realise how much I've learnt and changed over here, and how much stronger I've become. His girlfriend Anna then joined us for a few days, which were spent wonderfully and amusingly together in Vienna. I might elaborate on that some other time. The rest of the holidays I mostly spent in Germany travelling with the two of them to relatives and friends - most of whom I had never met. I was really lucky to be able to travel and see them (something the organisation normally doesn't allow) and I'm so happy I got to learn more about my past! All up we spent around three weeks travelling - in Seligenstadt (near Frankfurt, where we also spent a day), Dresden, and then a few days in Berlin. I adore Germany and am so proud to be a part of the country. 

We departed our ways, Tim flying to London for his Topdeck tour and Anna to Brussels to (again) reunite with her friends. After spending a few more days in Dresden, I travelled back up to Magdeburg to stay with my host grandparents and family for a few days. By the end of such a crazy month and a half of holidays, I was ready to get back to Vienna, my home, and have a few weeks of silence before school started. However, on that Monday (15th), the day I came back from Germany with my host parents, my host mum told me that they weren’t willing to host me anymore. To be totally honest, it was an immense surprise. There had been a number of problems throughout my time staying here - misunderstandings and things I will elaborate on momentarily, and a couple of bigger things.

So that's where that first paragraph comes in. Nine (host mum) could definitely have chosen better timing - but! Such is life.

So, I was very distressed and felt very unsupported. My counsellor in the organisation (who didn't do anything in the first place) had left the country, so I had no one to ring, and couldn't ring the office because it was a public holiday.  8 hours in a car. Not fun.

Over the next week, the exchange organisation and I spoke with my host family, who decided they were actually willing to continue hosting me, but on numerous conditions (which were mostly pretty reasonable).

I had a decision to make. What would I do? Stay with this host family after all, after being battered with all the things I'd done wrong? Go to yet another new family and start all over again, just for another couple of months - by the end of which I would have only just gotten comfortable - and then have to leave anyway? Or should I go straight home? Should I travel around a little? Should I move to Germany with my sister's old host family? Should I get I job somewhere here?

To be honest I was totally exhausted. It was a huge and horrible decision to have to make and at points I just wanted to put a hose in my ear and wash out all the thoughts. After talking with numerous family members (host and real), the organisation, and a couple of friends, I decided to go off program and come home in a couple of weeks. There are many many reasons, but the funny thing is, I'm not even that homesick anymore. Yes I miss home, but I know that I could stay here and manage. I really love my host family here A LOT, but I think it's just too hard for them to host a student anymore, and they have enough troubles of there own - as do I. Every hour I changed my mind. I don't know that I can go into many more details here though. I knew that whichever option I decided to chose, I would probably regret at some point because that's just the person I am, and I have far too many thoughts.

All I really wanted was to be happy again, because it's been such a tough year so far, but also an unbelievably AMAZING one. I have learnt more than I ever thought possible and I feel inspired and in awe with the world (once more :P )

I've had a lot of feelings and emotions this year. I've been through a lot, but I've learnt so much. In some ways I am ashamed of myself, because I had thought I would do so much "better", but I need to be proud of the things I've done. One of the things my host mum said was "You can't change the past, but you can use it to change the future." It was so much of a surprise coming here to Austria, which felt kind of strange because I'd been planning to come for so long. Since my sister Claire went on exchange 4 years ago, I knew that was what I wanted to do but I'd slowly built up expectations which I hadn't even realised were there. I've changed a lot since the first time I even THOUGHT about going on exchange, and I think had I gone a few years earlier it may have gone more smoothly, but I don't think I would have learnt as much.

One of the things that Nine mentioned I had a problem with, was that I was like a shadow, trying not to get in anyone's way. I can see exactly where she's coming from now, because a lot of the time, that's really what I was. I said that I'd never thought of myself, I'd never BEEN, that person before I came here, and I was sure she'd seen glimpses of the "normal me" (which she agreed she had). I just had so much trouble trying to live two lives and try and satisfy basically everyone but myself that I forgot to BE myself. It was hard to try and be "the real me" when I felt that everything that I comprised of I'd left on the other side of the world. I know that this really isn't the case, and in some ways I'm disappointed in the way that things turned out - that I haven't "finished" my exchange year and that I could have done so much "better". It was nothing at all as to what I expected. But I have to say - I think it was so much better. Geez it was harder than a diamond, but I think it was one in itself.

Yesterday I had a really long conversation with Nine (as in - about 4 hours). I gave her some of myself which I just felt like I haven't given before now, and had I been willing to earlier, than maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way (but I think it needed to). We talked about lots of things - I was the one mostly talking (about myself) - about every aspect of my exchange, about how I felt, about coming here, about expectations and disappointments and my way to reacting to everything, about my childhood and my different states of mind that I put myself into (i.e. DON'T BE SELF-PITYFUL - there are a lot of people who love me, and I know it. And also caring too much about what others think), and where that all originates from. It was really interesting and enjoyable, and I'm so happy that I'll be able to leave on a positive note.
 

I'm sure you guys'll understand. I know that my decision might be a surprise to some and not at all to others, but I just want to say:

Instead of looking back and wishing I could go back in time to be back with my host families, I want to find a different way for them to fit in with my life now, and in the future. The eight months I've spent here have been amazing. It was nothing I expected it to be, and everything I needed it to be. I know a lot of exchange students who have said they would go back and relive it all if they just had the chance - that it's the hardest thing ever to leave again. It's hard admitting through so much... pressure in a way - to have a good time and love every minute - to say that it wasn't always the best and I am looking forward to going home. I've done amazing things, met amazing people and - there was a great quote I found earlier in the year, which is:

I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. - James Baldwin

And I believe it's true. But just because I'm going home doesn't mean I'm finished. I’m going to use everything about this year to help me to continue growing and changing as a person. Austria and Germany will always a part of me. It's in my blood! Being an exchange student is an amazing thing. But if you’ve followed my blog throughout this year, you know it’s not always easy. I have been challenged, angry, hurt, annoyed, in so many situations. But I can safely say, it’s a million percent worth it. 

I still want to share the experiences I had here with you. So maybe someday soon I'll come back here and tell you some stories. But for now, I'm so excited about what the future will bring.

Tim, Anna and I in Frankfurt

Anna, Tim and I in front of the Berlin Wall. Amazing. It will happen again some day.

Deutschland!

I got a haircut! Yay!

In other news though (prepare for a long post!), over last weekend (From Friday 18th-Sunday 20th) I went on a trip to Germany with my host Papa Georg, Carl and Theo! So. We set off on Friday evening about 6.30pm in the miserable, cold rain. It had been miserable and raining for the last few days, and it wasn't any exception then! Driving, driving, driving. Our destination was Magdeburg - about an hour west of Berlin and the route we were to take was from Vienna, up through the Czech Republic, passing through Brno (or 'Brünn' in German) and Prague, then into Germany, passing through Dresden, Leipzig and then to Magdeburg! The drive took about 7 hours all up, but I love long car trips and it reminded me a lot of trips I would take with my family in Australia. There was rain in Austria, snow in Czech Republic, then by the time we got to Germany, the skies were clear. We listened to Dire Straights through the Czech Republic, then some golden oldies. Then Georg and I talked and talked about all kinds of things: language, Australia, Germany, animals, music, work... it was really great! The last hour of the trip we listened to The Cat Empire, which was nice but difficult because it reminded me of home (although it's getting better). We arrived at Oma Nate and Opa Thommy's house (My host Mum's parents), and were sent straight to bed.

Beautiful weather as you can see...!

Saturday was a lovely, amazing and difficult day. After stumbling downstairs I joined the rest of the family and we all had breakfast together. Really lovely and German: bread, honey, jam, salami, wurst, nutella and eggs. Very yum! Nine's parents were (and are) really lovely and welcoming. Then Georg took us kids (and himself) on another 45min drive or so to a little town called Miesterhorst, to celebrate Ur Oma Charlotte's 90th birthday (Georg's great-grandmother).

On the road... ACTUALLY beautiful weather!

We went to a little cafe just down the road, where I met what felt like relative after relative after relative! It wasn't too bad, and Georg's Dad helped me draw a family tree so I could figure out who was who and what each relation was! Nine (pronounced 'Nina' - my host Mum) had given me some homework to complete at the party: 'Familien Bingo'! I got a piece of paper with about 30 different questions on (all written in German) - such as "Who has two sons?" "Who flies planes?" "Who likes to drink whisky?" "Who used to raise pigeons?" "Who can milk cows?". I looked at it and was basically completely overwhelmed. What on Earth was I supposed to do!?! How could I find any of this out?! I would have to TALK to people and ASK them! Gah! So I had to ask around - mostly getting help from the same few people (Georg's brother and father, and one of the [many] Omas!). However everyone was willing and thought it was all great fun, and it was actually really good for me, because apart from having to actually talk to people and use my German, it meant that I now know who most of the family are, and a bit of trivia about each of them!

Ur Oma Charlotte with her children - Opa Norbert and Tante Anne. Cheers to 90!

Lunch was an excellent 3 course meal, and was followed by a very traditional German 'Kaffee und Kuchen' (Coffee and Cake), where there were literally about 10 different types of AMAZING, DELICIOUS, INCREDIBLE, WONDERFUL types of traditional German cakes. They were all made by the lovely old German women, and probably all delicious - but there are only so many slices of cake one can eat after a 3-course meal! It really inspired me though. I really want to be able to go back to Australia and cook amazing German cakes. I think I'll have to rope my own Mama and Oma to help me with this!!

'Frankfurter kranz' - i.e. the most delicious cake EVER. And coffee.

As the afternoon drew on, I got a little sad, because I was thinking so much about my OWN Oma and Opa. I was watching Theo and Carl playing and being doted on by all the Germans, doing the same things I did when I was little. It was really lovely to see, and I feel so special to be part of this family and experience it all, but it was also difficult in a lot of ways. I guess being here I've been forced to face all these things about nostalgia and growing up and changes, and it's a really hard thing to do. It's hard to deal with but I guess it all just boils down to time. This kind of change is inevitable, but it doesn't make it easy to face! I had a bit of a cry, and Georg took me outside and we had a little chat about everything, and he just gave me a big hug, which was just what I needed. It was lovely :)

After the lunch and afternoon tea - around 4.30, we (the whole family) all went back to the amazing house/farm where one of the relatives lives (one of the Oma's, but I'm not sure which one). We all sat down in the living room with the adults drinking champagne/beer/schnapps, and just talked. I understood quite a bit, but after a while you just kind of stop listening... Everyone was really nice, sometimes talking to me, and I got lots of hugs and love! It's amazing. I've instantly made a whole new family, and everyone was really accepting, and it was just a lovely feeling.

An Oma trying to get the birthday balloons through the door!

The really cool (and German!) house + old stables

In the 'garden', Carl (above) and Theo were playing on the hay rolls.

(Some of) My new family! Mark, Ur Oma Annemarie, Tanja, Tante Dirte, Me, Tante Anne and Oma Heidi.

At about 8pm, Georg took us back to Magdeburg, and we basically went straight to bed. I got a special treat just as I was getting into bed though - I had an AMAZING private firework show out my window a few houses away! The perfect ending to the day.

On Sunday, after having another lovely breakfast, I went for a short walk with Oma Nate, who told me some things about the area, how the Russians had occupied most of it until about 1993, and what life used to be like there. We walked along the 'Alte Elbe' river, and she told me about it flooding and other such things. It was really interesting hearing about the history from someone who had lived there and experienced it all.

A photo to start off the day! With Theo and Carl (front) Oma Nate, Me and Opa Thommy

We then ALL went into town to show me some sights of Magdeburg! First we went to one of Hundertwasser's buildings. Check out some of his architecture - It's REALLY COOL! This particular block of apartments is called the Grüne Zitadelle or Green Citadel and was the last of Hundertwasser's projects to be completed. There's a lot of his architecture around Austria (well, he's from here...) and I've seen two of his other works: the heating plant Fernwärmewerk Spittelau and Hundertwasser-Haus, both in Vienna. Talk about crazy and funky!

Old and New...

After wandering around there for a while, I went with Georg and Oma Nate to the Magdebuger Dom (Church) for a tour. It was really lovely to see, and very, very different to all the Catholic churches I have seen in Austria. It's plain, simple and bright, where as a lot of the Catholic churches are very dark and over-the-top, usually in a strong gothic style. The tour was in German, but Oma Nate (who is also a translator like Nine) translated for me, just for this time, which was lovely of her and meant I got a lot more out of the experience. I found the whole history of the church really interesting - like the over 2000 year old baptism font from Egypt, the intricate and beautiful alabaster carvings, the graves of Otto the First and his wife and a bishop or two. I was captivated by it all! Hearing all of this history is something really great, and makes me realise how totally different and unique Australia is. I could go on and on about this Church, but if you want more info you can check it out here and here! After the long (and kind of cold) tour, we went to pick up the boys and Opa Thommy.

The Dom and with the new organ.

View of the steeples from the courtyard

A (seemingly empty) typical cobble-stone street in Magdeburg

We went home and had lunch - Kartoffelpuffer mit Apfelmus (potato cakes with apple... mush... again very German!), then we eventually set off to ANOTHER Oma and Opa's house in Halle - about an hour's drive south. It was Ur Oma Ilse's 85th birthday, so guess what: we had MORE cake! After such a long and busy weekend, it was very overwhelming, and I was asked lots of questions, and my brain just wanted to stop thinking and escape for a while! Oma Heidi (Georg's Mum... see? SO MANY RELATIVES!) was really nice and gave me a heap of hugs and looked out for me. My new family are all so nice though!

Finally, we left again and started the long drive home. Along the Autobahn is very... exciting? One of the questions which I have been asked quite a few times is "What's the speed limit in Australia?" and I usually get a pretty amusing reaction! Everyone thinks is crazy that we can only travel (legally...) at most 110km/h (130km/h in some places in the Northern Territory), and when my previous host mother in Salzburg asked me, the response was something like: "110?!?! That's so slow! The speed limit's 130 in Austria, but that's too slow, so sometimes I go 160!" I laughed about that for so long. So yes. The speed limit is legally 130km/h in Austria, but rarely seems to be enforced, but in Germany on the Autobahn, there is often no speed limit at all! Very. Scary. I can now say I've been 185km/h in a car though (NOT the fastest car on the Autobahn at any rate), and I don't know that I need to do it again any time soon!

PROOF! Although, this was before we got to 185km/h...

We stopped just before Dresden in a petrol station/shop and had a big picnic. There was LOTS of food, as both the (main) Oma's had stocked us up, so we didn't buy anything - which was a good idea, because everything was SUPER overpriced. Totally to be expected though, because it was a bit of a tourist trap and one of the only shops for kilometres. We drove all the way home, listening to music of my choice (yay!), and it was all really nice. I had a super weekend!

And the weather the whole time we were there was LOVELY. This was as we were driving home on the Autobahn. What a sight!