Unwanted

My (few but) lovely readers!

It's been a long time since I wrote, and I'm more than aware of that! A lot of you probably already know a lot of what I've been doing, but I really do still want to keep up my blog. I'll get to that a little later though. First I'll give you the most recent and biggest news.

One of the hardest things to face in life is rejection.

Being told you're not wanted anymore.

This is a totally normal part of life. It happens every day.

But when you're 16,000km from home, family and friends, and the people your relying on to somewhat replace them, tell you that it's simply not working and they don't want you anymore... It means something completely different.

Especially when you then have to spend the next 8 hours or so driving "home" across Europe in what is bound to be terribly awkward silence/pretending to sleep.

This was something I wrote in a draft for a blog post on Monday the 15th August.

Let me give a small explanation. My wonderful brother Tim finally came to Austria at the very beginning of July - and the Summer holidays! We had a wonderful and interesting two weeks together, and it really made me realise how much I've learnt and changed over here, and how much stronger I've become. His girlfriend Anna then joined us for a few days, which were spent wonderfully and amusingly together in Vienna. I might elaborate on that some other time. The rest of the holidays I mostly spent in Germany travelling with the two of them to relatives and friends - most of whom I had never met. I was really lucky to be able to travel and see them (something the organisation normally doesn't allow) and I'm so happy I got to learn more about my past! All up we spent around three weeks travelling - in Seligenstadt (near Frankfurt, where we also spent a day), Dresden, and then a few days in Berlin. I adore Germany and am so proud to be a part of the country. 

We departed our ways, Tim flying to London for his Topdeck tour and Anna to Brussels to (again) reunite with her friends. After spending a few more days in Dresden, I travelled back up to Magdeburg to stay with my host grandparents and family for a few days. By the end of such a crazy month and a half of holidays, I was ready to get back to Vienna, my home, and have a few weeks of silence before school started. However, on that Monday (15th), the day I came back from Germany with my host parents, my host mum told me that they weren’t willing to host me anymore. To be totally honest, it was an immense surprise. There had been a number of problems throughout my time staying here - misunderstandings and things I will elaborate on momentarily, and a couple of bigger things.

So that's where that first paragraph comes in. Nine (host mum) could definitely have chosen better timing - but! Such is life.

So, I was very distressed and felt very unsupported. My counsellor in the organisation (who didn't do anything in the first place) had left the country, so I had no one to ring, and couldn't ring the office because it was a public holiday.  8 hours in a car. Not fun.

Over the next week, the exchange organisation and I spoke with my host family, who decided they were actually willing to continue hosting me, but on numerous conditions (which were mostly pretty reasonable).

I had a decision to make. What would I do? Stay with this host family after all, after being battered with all the things I'd done wrong? Go to yet another new family and start all over again, just for another couple of months - by the end of which I would have only just gotten comfortable - and then have to leave anyway? Or should I go straight home? Should I travel around a little? Should I move to Germany with my sister's old host family? Should I get I job somewhere here?

To be honest I was totally exhausted. It was a huge and horrible decision to have to make and at points I just wanted to put a hose in my ear and wash out all the thoughts. After talking with numerous family members (host and real), the organisation, and a couple of friends, I decided to go off program and come home in a couple of weeks. There are many many reasons, but the funny thing is, I'm not even that homesick anymore. Yes I miss home, but I know that I could stay here and manage. I really love my host family here A LOT, but I think it's just too hard for them to host a student anymore, and they have enough troubles of there own - as do I. Every hour I changed my mind. I don't know that I can go into many more details here though. I knew that whichever option I decided to chose, I would probably regret at some point because that's just the person I am, and I have far too many thoughts.

All I really wanted was to be happy again, because it's been such a tough year so far, but also an unbelievably AMAZING one. I have learnt more than I ever thought possible and I feel inspired and in awe with the world (once more :P )

I've had a lot of feelings and emotions this year. I've been through a lot, but I've learnt so much. In some ways I am ashamed of myself, because I had thought I would do so much "better", but I need to be proud of the things I've done. One of the things my host mum said was "You can't change the past, but you can use it to change the future." It was so much of a surprise coming here to Austria, which felt kind of strange because I'd been planning to come for so long. Since my sister Claire went on exchange 4 years ago, I knew that was what I wanted to do but I'd slowly built up expectations which I hadn't even realised were there. I've changed a lot since the first time I even THOUGHT about going on exchange, and I think had I gone a few years earlier it may have gone more smoothly, but I don't think I would have learnt as much.

One of the things that Nine mentioned I had a problem with, was that I was like a shadow, trying not to get in anyone's way. I can see exactly where she's coming from now, because a lot of the time, that's really what I was. I said that I'd never thought of myself, I'd never BEEN, that person before I came here, and I was sure she'd seen glimpses of the "normal me" (which she agreed she had). I just had so much trouble trying to live two lives and try and satisfy basically everyone but myself that I forgot to BE myself. It was hard to try and be "the real me" when I felt that everything that I comprised of I'd left on the other side of the world. I know that this really isn't the case, and in some ways I'm disappointed in the way that things turned out - that I haven't "finished" my exchange year and that I could have done so much "better". It was nothing at all as to what I expected. But I have to say - I think it was so much better. Geez it was harder than a diamond, but I think it was one in itself.

Yesterday I had a really long conversation with Nine (as in - about 4 hours). I gave her some of myself which I just felt like I haven't given before now, and had I been willing to earlier, than maybe it wouldn't have turned out this way (but I think it needed to). We talked about lots of things - I was the one mostly talking (about myself) - about every aspect of my exchange, about how I felt, about coming here, about expectations and disappointments and my way to reacting to everything, about my childhood and my different states of mind that I put myself into (i.e. DON'T BE SELF-PITYFUL - there are a lot of people who love me, and I know it. And also caring too much about what others think), and where that all originates from. It was really interesting and enjoyable, and I'm so happy that I'll be able to leave on a positive note.
 

I'm sure you guys'll understand. I know that my decision might be a surprise to some and not at all to others, but I just want to say:

Instead of looking back and wishing I could go back in time to be back with my host families, I want to find a different way for them to fit in with my life now, and in the future. The eight months I've spent here have been amazing. It was nothing I expected it to be, and everything I needed it to be. I know a lot of exchange students who have said they would go back and relive it all if they just had the chance - that it's the hardest thing ever to leave again. It's hard admitting through so much... pressure in a way - to have a good time and love every minute - to say that it wasn't always the best and I am looking forward to going home. I've done amazing things, met amazing people and - there was a great quote I found earlier in the year, which is:

I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself. - James Baldwin

And I believe it's true. But just because I'm going home doesn't mean I'm finished. I’m going to use everything about this year to help me to continue growing and changing as a person. Austria and Germany will always a part of me. It's in my blood! Being an exchange student is an amazing thing. But if you’ve followed my blog throughout this year, you know it’s not always easy. I have been challenged, angry, hurt, annoyed, in so many situations. But I can safely say, it’s a million percent worth it. 

I still want to share the experiences I had here with you. So maybe someday soon I'll come back here and tell you some stories. But for now, I'm so excited about what the future will bring.

Tim, Anna and I in Frankfurt

Anna, Tim and I in front of the Berlin Wall. Amazing. It will happen again some day.