One Month

So, it's been 4 WHOLE WEEKS today, since I left/arrived in Austria. And I can't decide if they've been the longest or shortest four weeks of my WHOLE ENTRIE LIFE. One thing's for sure, they have definitely been some of the elating and depressing weeks of my like. Example:

As we see here, I have a lovely diagram. And, to put it bluntly, I am in a very low phase. My honeymoon has finished, and I can't see how I can last this year. HOMESICKNESS AND CULTURE SHOCK. This is the worst feeling ever, and I have been doing a lot of research, trying to figure out ways to stop myself crying every single day.

First of all I would like to say that the first couple of weeks weren't all honeymoon either. As you (probably) all know, I lived in Vienna for the first 3 weeks of my exchange with a 'temporary' host family. It was completely different to anything I had ever experienced. I was suddenly thrown into this family, gaining 3 very young siblings, with no idea of how to deal with them, no idea of what I could and couldn't do, and no way of telling them that something was MINE and I didn't really want it in their mouth. I couldn't tell them to be careful, or that I was tired and didn't want to play football, and various things like this. Of course, it was also a very difficult first week due to my visit to hospital, having to start school later, and spend a lot of time at home. This way though, I got to know my family a lot faster and understand the general routines of the days. I did have trouble being patient at times - I was fine in front of the family most of the time, but would break down alone in my room. Lost, confused, tired, overwhelmed, and grieving for the family and friends I left behind.  I became very attached to my iPod, which my incredible friends gave me and I would not be able to live without -  because of the music, which has been helping heaps (especially from Alex - you rock!!). I was lucky that I could easily contact my family anytime via the internet. And you know what I realised? After ringing home on Wednesday the 12th, the next time I rang was only the NEXT Wednesday - a whole week later! So I settled in really quite quickly in a way (although it still took some time) and became comfortable.

On the 25th of January, I found out I would be moving host families. I wasn't really at all sure how I felt about this, and it was, and still is, a really difficult period. In some ways, I was so excited. I would be moving to Salzburg! That was perfect!! Salzburg was much more the Austria that I was wanting to experience! My new host family consists of an 18 year old girl - Steffi, 20 year old Sebastian, who has actually moved out with his girlfriend, and Eveline and Manfred, the mum and dad. I was kind of excited that I would be getting a new sister my age, but then at the same time so scared. I didn't know what any of the family would be like! I was so used to now living with these young kids in this routine which I had already learnt and understood, and I had actually started to enjoy myself! I was getting used to everything, and had started to understand more German, understand the area I was in, and understand all the possibilities that waited for me in Vienna! I had tentatively put down roots, giving myself a new family and home.

Then, I was pulled up by these roots and thrown a few hundred kilometres away and had to re-take my bearings. It's been really hard. I do quite like my new family, but have had some problems with them - communication issues, things I'm not used to, and just a HUGE change. Things I guess you wouldn't notice if you were just over at a friend's house - but it's all about the little things and family dynamics. The family dynamics are very different - having two adult siblings is an immense change to having three under 10. The area is beautiful, but I just can't appreciate it as much as I would like to, because I am so immensely unhappy. There are gorgeous little towns, alps, we have our own lake , I live close to some small shops - in Hagenbrunn the closest shops were another town over - but I just don’t feel right. I'm having culture shock all over again, and I actually miss my old family. 

So I'm at a loss of what to do. This fortnight has been the longest  of my life. I have cried every day. I am grieving for everything I left behind in Australia, especially my family. All I can think of is all the things I’ll be missing out on.  I’ll miss everyone’s birthdays, my own 18^TH with my beloved twin…  all kinds of things I took so much for granted. There are so many thoughts going around in my head which I don’t know how to deal with, so many possibilities and experiences waiting for me, which I just don’t know how to approach.

Everyone always tells you how worthwhile and brilliant exchange is, but no one ever says it will also be one of the (if not THE) hardest thing you will EVER do in your ENTIRE life.

So solutions: I have found many, many websites for exchange students – blogs, forums, question and advice sites, you name it. The best thing I’ve found so far is this I think.

I know I’m not alone, in so many ways. Being away will make being home so, so, so much sweeter and I will appreciate everything so much more than ever. I know I will always have my family and friends at home, and the things that I’m missing will repeat themselves, if not in a different way at a different time. As the above forum shows, the first month or so is often the WORST for many many exchange students.  In a way, I’m getting a far more ‘Austrian’ experience now because I am staying with an actual Austrian family, with a very strong (and difficult to understand) dialect, and have been doing Austrian things. I have had more ‘experiences’ (stereotypical ones at that) this week than I did in Vienna in some ways. I went to a [VERY smoky and loud] bar with Steffi and a couple of her friends, I had afternoon tea in a little alpine hut, then went tobogganing – which has all been fun. I know this overall exchange experience is what I make it.

In Vienna I felt more a part of the family. I could help. I could play with the kids. I was included in going to the supermarket. No, the family didn’t have as much time for me or as much flexibility because of the kids, but I realised I love family life - that kind of family life - and I miss it. I had a different kind of independence. However I LOVE the area I’m in at the moment – next to Salzburg, the scenery is amazing, school is better than in Vienna, there’s lots of opportunities….I guess I just need time to find connections and hopefully, eventually, feel less homesick.

(Please note - this was written on the 05/02/2011, but I only decided to post it now with something a little more positive.)