Storm's A-brewin'

Here I am in the middle of Austria with a beautiful Spring storm brewing. Every minute or so there comes a loud rumble of thunder. But half the sky's still blue.
I have lots of thoughts today. So many things to write about, so many dreams, aspirations, confusions. Yesterday I felt really sad. Today I feel really happy.

What's bothering me. Maybe "bothering" isn't the best word. Maybe it is.

Nonsense, I'm writing nonsense!!

It's been a beautiful Spring day. I rung my family this morning and spoke to various family members for about an hour. I rung them yesterday too, and cried to various family members for about an hour. My brain these last couple of days has been like this Spring weather. Gorgeously sunny one minute, storm a-brewin' the next.

Sometimes I just feel stuck. Like I can't go forward and I can't go back. It's like that little kid's game stuck in the mud. But there's no one there to come running after me to tap me free.

There are so many things I want to teach the kids here. But I just don't know how. I feel like I'm two and no one understands me. I'm talking in broken sentences, the words clamouring to get out, but they're all the wrong ones. I want to be able to teach my brothers cricket. I want to be able to explain to them that I found a pair of deer antlers in the woods the other day. I want to be able to dream with them. I want to be able to make up games with my little sister instead of just sitting there with her wondering what to say next to make her laugh.

I've become a lot more of a physical person here. If you can't tell someone how you feel, you learn to show them. Pointing, pictures, actions, and lots of laughing. I don't say all that much, but I try my best to make them laugh. When they laugh, I've achieved something. When they stop crying, I've achieved something.

I was playing soccer with Carl in the garden this afternoon (like so many before). I felt like myself again. I was pulling faces and dancing around and throwing my legs into the air and falling over and doing the splits and somersaults and generally acting like a clown. And he would laugh and laugh. And, and, and...


Brain Storm! My oh my there's so much in my head!